Heart and mind

  in this fourth chapter cray seeks help for his ever growing nightmare, will his help understand?
 
 

           &nbs p;     Several painful hours of question by the police and I was wishing it had been me instead of mary that that thing had killed. I still donít have a clear grasp on what is happening, I told them about the shadowy figures, but I donít quite know how to describe this, the police obviously think im just under a lot of stress, so they agreed to let me go back to my room, but I canít return there, those things might be waiting for me. I have been orered not to leave corneria until the investigation is over, they probably think I killed mary, the idea of that is so absurd I have to laugh, but then it hitís me, did I kill her, I donít know for sure anymore. I havenít seen the shadowmen again, but everywhere I go I am terrified, I just hope I can make it thru this first night, that will be the hardest part for me, the sun is already setting, mabey the shadowmen can only come out at night, mabey there going to attack me the moment the sun sets, mabey im insane. I went to see a movie to pass the time, but it didnít help much, the theater was dark and I could almost feel one of them breathing down my neck. I have been wandering the streets for hours, I donít really have anywhere to go, I just plan to stay in company of others until the sun rises, then I might try to get some sleep at home. I decided I would get some dinner, I hadnít eaten all day and I was kind of hungry, I went into an all night place and took a booth by the window. I watched the people move by the window, all of it seemed like it was lightyears away, I didnít feel like I was even there, god I hope this feeling dosent last long. I began to pray for someone to sit next to me and protect me, but would it be a man, a woman, did I even care anymore, I didnít know, I just didnít want to deal with my weak heart at a time like this. I eat a quick meal and I leave a few hours later, no one stopped by and sat next to me, itís midnight now and im all alone in the city. I feel so hopeless I have to laugh bitterly, I am lost, in the dead of night in the bad section of town, every shadow seems to be alive, I am just standing under a streetlight waiting for them to take me to wherever they go with their victims. I collapse at the base of the streetlight and begin crying, why donít they just take me, im here, waiting, just kill me now. I wait for what seems like an eternity until I donít feel as numb anymore, I get up and hail a taxi back to the cornerian base where my room is. I walk in with barely enough energy to make it back to my bed, I collapse and fall unconcious, if there had been any of those things there, they could have taken me with my blessings.
 
 

           &nbs p;       I woke up slowly the next morning, my head was in a daze,  I wasnít sure where I was or what I was doing, then I remembered mary, she must be waiting for me at work, I got dressed happy and excited, then everything collapsed beneath me, mary was dead, she would never again go to work. Wait I thought suddenly, iím in my room, what if it was all a dream, could mary still be there, I ran outside, my heart was in the clouds, I would go see mary again, she wasnít dead, it had all been a dream. But when I got to work, my heart was back in hell, mary wasnít there, and everyone was giving me there condolances. I recognised someone from the local church, he gave me a small buisness card for someone he believed could help me, I put it in my pocket and thanked him, I donít remember much else of that day except hearing people tell me how sorry they were for me and that if I needed them they were there, at least thats good to know. At the end of the workday, I went back to my room and tried to sleep, I fell into one of the worst nightmares of my life. This one made no sense, I was walking on a ray of light high above a pit of darkness, then I fell, and I crashed into the ground and there were all these evil dark people falling with me, but I was the only one who didnt turn evil. I woke up later that night in a cold sweat, I grabbed the card out of my pocket and looked at it. ìedward lee, alternative psychiatric serviciesî read the card, I didnít know wheather to laugh or cry, but I knew he was my best hope, I picked up the phone and called the number. Ed picked up on the fifth ring, I had forgotten it was the middle of the night, yet his voice was surprisingly kind for the late hour. ìhelloî I said shakily, ìis this edward lee, I was given your buisness cardî. ìyesî said ed, ìI think I know who you are, I think I can see you in five minutes, be at the lone star diner okî.
ìthanks I said, ìI really donít know what is going on, im so glad your taking the time to talk to meî. ìno problembî said ed as he hung up, I shakily got dressed and rode the tram to the lone star diner. I saw ed sitting in a corner table, I sat accross from him and he ordered us both a cup of coffe. He was surprisingly younger than I would have imagined, h was probably no older than me. ìthank you for seeing me on such short noticeî I said breathlessly. ìwhat seems to be your problembî asked ed taking some of his coffee, he looked just like a professional psycologist, but more open and freindly, mind doctors normaly scare me, but ed is different. ìi... I think I am being followedî I said. ìthe feeling of being followed is a very common conditionî said ed like a walking textbook, ìmost of the time it stems from feelings of guilt, is there anything you feel guilty aboutî. ìno, itís not thatî I tried to explain, ìI mean i.. I am being followed, but there not alive I know itî. ìghosts you meanî asked ed without even looking the least bit shocked. ìyes, ghostsî I said, ìthey call themselves the shadowmen, before now, mary was the only one who knew about themî. ìI seeî said ed, ìI heard about mary from the police, she was such a nice girl, she was a patient of mine you know, such a sad thing really she was never the same ever since she lost her husband during the explosionî. ìwhatî I asked shocked, ìmary was marriedî. ìwell, engagedî said ed comfortingly, ìmay I ask you somethingî. ìsureî I said a little uneasily. ìwhat if anything makes you think that a race of evil ghosts would be after youî asked ed, I knew he would ask that, it hurt, because I didnít know. ìI donít know why these monsters are after meî I said, ìbut, what I know is that I have been seeing themî. ìyes, thats whats more importantî said ed, ìwheather or not you are really being stalked is not the point, but the point is that the emotions are real, we can only stop them if we know what is causing themî. ìthanksî I said feeling a little better, I wasní;t shaking anymore, ìdo you think we could talk about something else pleaseî. ìsureî said ed, ìwhat would you like to talk aboutî. ìI donít knowî I said, ìwhat are you gonna do once our meeting is overî. ìI dunnoî said ed thoughtfully, ìim never up this late, or early, I was thinking about going down to the bay area, I hear itís really beautiful at nightî. I suddenly felt for some reason that I had to go to the bay with him, I just couldnt face going back to my room all alone with the memories... or worse, ìed, can I please come with you, iv never seen the bayî I asked awkwardly. ìI donít see why notî said ed with a quick smile. After we finished our coffee, ed and I left the diner and went to the bay area. The bay area was really beautiful at night, you could see the reflection of the entire city in the water,  but the bay area was also very cold. Ed seemed to sense my uneasyness so he took off his jacket and put it over my shoulders, it was one of the kindest gestures I had received in a long time. Everything was quiet all around us, all I could do was watch ed, everything about him was so warm and comforting. He was almost my exact height, one inch taller though, his fur was light brown not a dull grey like wolfís was, and he was jus a whole lot freindlier looking. I felt like there was a physical force pulling me to him, I just wanted to give in to everything and just let him hold me. I felt him put his arm around me, and I leaned against his houlder, everything for one moment was perfect. Ed took me over to a park bench by the edge of the water and we both sat dwn, he was so much nicer than my old psycologist back when I was younger, dr.green I think his name was, he would just sit in the chair while I lay on a couch, I was always scred by that place, he was always probing me, and I never knew why I was there, until later that is. ìed, have you ever been to a psychiatristî I asked. ìme..î said ed thoughtfully, ìonceî. ìwhat was it forî I asked. ìnothingî said ed coldly, I could tell he was hiding something, but I didnt want to pry, I just wanted this moment to last forever. ìwhat made you decide to become a psycologistî I asked, I really just wanted to hear his voice, I loved his voice, it was comforting, soft yet reassuring, I could almost feel it inside me. ìim not sure what really made me decide thatî said ed obviously back on a much more comfortable topic, ìI guess because im a really good listener, thatís what everybody says, what made you want to be an enginerrî. ìmeî I asked a litle confused, ìwell, it was back when I was living with jenny, she took me to an air show once, and I loved the airplanes, they were just so graceful, I wanted to be able to create something like that, but as with everything, things never turn out the way they are planned, I never wanted to make war planesî. I felt drained, I collapsed into him, and he shifted so that I could lean against him completely, I was so grateful for him being there, ìlook what I have done, I have  created machines of death, all I wanted was to make something beautiful something pure, but I failedî  I said letting everything out. ìI wish I knew what to sayî said ed a little stunned. ìyou donít have to say anythingî I said, ìim just glad that your willing to listen to meî. ìI wish I could be of more help to youî said ed sadly. ìyou have been more help to me than you can ever knowî I said, ìdo you ever think of the future muchî. ìthe futureî asked ed confused, ìwhat do you meanî.  ìI mean do you have any plansî I asked, ìfor the rest of your lifeî. ìI have some plansî said ed, ìI hope to someday be able to actualy help someone I guess, thats why im a psycologistî. ìI want to be able to help someone toî I said, ìmabey it would make up for me being...î. ìI donít think your wrong at allî said ed comfortingly, ìthink about it this way, that is the way god made you, would he make you in a way that you would be ashamed ofî.  He was right after all, I never thought about it that way, ed had a way of making even the scariest things safe, he was like my nightlight in the dark, he kept away the bad things. ìwere you ever afraid of the darkî I asked. ìyeah, everyone is at some timeî said ed, ìbut I eventualy got over thatî. ìI used to be very afraid of the darkî I said almost ashamed, ìI used to have this stuffed animal, it was called a glow-worm, it was a little creature that when you hugged he would light up, I loved it, I never spent a night without him by my side, until my father destroyed all my stuffed animalsî.  ìwhy did he do thatî asked ed, he could tell he was getting into a sensitive issue. ìmy father believed that it wasnt right for a man to be attatched to a stuffed animalî I said sadly, ìhe made me watch him burn them all, he was forever trying to make a man out of me, I guess im nothing but I big dissapointment in the endî. ìyour nothing to be ashamed ofî said ed softly, then he suddenly jumped to life,îhey come on I know something youíd really likeî. Ed almost dragged me halfway accross corneria to a small out of the way shop I had never seen. He took meinside and had a long talk with the owner of the place and he came over to me. ìwhatís going onî I asked a little nervous. ìnothing muchî said ed, ìhow would you like to be a woman for tonightî. ìhow would I do thatî I asked trying not to get my hopes up. ìsimple, I have a freind here who can make you look really cuteî said ed almost giddily. ìsureî I said laughing, ìwhy notî. The owner of the store was a woman in her fourties, she was a golden retreiver, she looked almost exactly like jenny, it was weird. She had a really kind voice at least, The first thing she did was ask me for a picture, I dug thru my wallet until I found the only picture there, it was of mary beth. I felt a little weird doing this but I handed her the picture anyway. She messed with my hair giving it the illusion of being longer than it really is, and she applied a minor amount of makeup here and there, I made it clear that I didnít want to look like a halloween costume she just laughed at that. Several minutes later she told me I could open my eyes, and I did. It was weird, I almost couldnít breath, it was like I was looking right at mary beth in the mirror, I reached out to the mirror and ran my paw along it, I felt sad because of the memory of mary. Then it hit me, it was myself in the mirror not mary, I thanked her and I met puffy back outside, he hugged me and told me I looked wonderful I was so hapy I could have died. ìthere is just one other place I would like to take youî said puffy with a funny grin on his muzzle, I felt a little reluctant but I was happy anyway. I suddenly realised where we were when he helped me out of the taxi just like I was a real woman, we were standing in front of some sort of club. Ed and I went in it was amazing it was just like one of the parties back when I was still at home. Ed took me to a small booth and told me to sit down, I could hardly breath I was so excited, a minute later an older couple sat down at the booth with ed and I, I suddenly realised who they were, edís parents. ìum hiî I said really nervously. ìhiî said his father warmly, ìyou must be edís new girlfreind, whatís your nameî. I didnít know what to say at all, but I found myself talking already, ìyes, my name is...Maî I said but I stopped myself, was I actualy going to say my name was mary, ìmy name is mirahî. The name had just came out, it just felt right, but I didnt know if it was even a real name. ìnice nameî said edís mother, she seemed so nice, we just talked and talked I felt so happy and sad inside, I wish my parents could have been this way, but there is nothing I can do about that now.  It suddenly hit me, I wondered if they knew about me, probably not since they hadnt gotten angry yet, I just hoped it stayed that way. Then ed came into the room, I was so happy when he sat next to me and put his arm around me I felt so safe and happy for once everything was perfect. We must have talked until two in the morning, I didnt even notice the time had gotten so late, ed even let me lean against him. Later after we left the club ed took me back to my room, but I suddenly got scared, he hugged me one last time and held on like he really meant it, but turned to leave. I tugged at his shirt hesitantly, ìplease dont go, im afraidî I said nervously. ìwhats so scary about you room ìasked ed. ìI dont want them to get meî I said scared and ashamed at the same time, ìwould you please protect me tonightî. ìof corseî said ed, ìI wont let anything happen to you I promiseî. I was really releived when ed agreed to stay for the night, I just couldnít accept the thought of  being in that empty room tonight, with all the memories of mary still there. I am learning a lot about people everyday, there so much kinder than my parents made me believe. Sure there are evil people like wolf out there who only want to hurt yu, but there in the minority, people like ed mary and name1 are in the majority. I get scared all of a sudden, what if something happens to ed, like mary and name1. ìedî I say embarrased, ìyour not scared to stay with me after what happened to maryî. ìof course notî said ed comfortingly, ìthe shadow people cant get to us, I have protectionî. ìprotectionî I ask confused. ìlookî says ed as he pulls a small gold cross necklace from under his shirt, I reach over and touch it gently, almost as if im afraid it will burn me or something. For once I feel safe, I believe ed, I collapse against him and just let him hold me, nothing can reach us here. Suddenly I hear ed jump in shock, I look up to see eight shadowmen standing in the room with us, they have us cornered, they press us to the corner and begin to fall onto us like an ocean of hell drowning out every thought and feeling in icy blackness.
 

to be continued..... the shadowmen have caught ed and cray, but what will happen to them, what is the shadowmenís true nature