Cray: He is your basic transsexual male to female coyote, he works for
the Venomian army making airplanes, although he would much rather be
something that helps people, what dark secrets lie in his troubled past.
"The truth is very obvious, general pepper is the devil himself,
not that I think any better of Andross" -- Cray
War has been really all that I have ever known, I grew up around
it, and I've basically lived my entire life through it, so why shouldn't
it be what comes naturally to me. At the age of 18 I have been
things that most normal people would have rather died than go through,
everything from my early identity crisis, to my place in the
war. Even though I know I'm probably really weak, sometimes I
if I'm actually strong. In a way my existence today proves my
That's a good description actually. Existence, that is my life. Existence, just survival from one day to the next. That really can't be considered life, can it?
Currently I live on Base 367. Not exactly where I'd love to spend the rest of my life, but it's home for now. Base 367 is completely functional compared to other bases of it's type. There are no recreation rooms and there is only a single bar. This doesn't really bother me that much since I don't drink or have much of a social life. Even this Godforsaken bucket-of-rust-in- the-middle-of-nowhere Zoness is more of a home to me than home ever was.
Home, what a funny word, it's supposed to be a secure word, yet to me it's like a cold dark painful word, probably due to my lack of experience with any real family. My family, if you could call them that, was one of the most prestigious religious coyote families in the Venomian Alliance. They would always hold these huge, impressive banquets where thousands of people were invited from all over the Lylat system.
I remember one of those banquets clearly. Everyone was so exited because Andross himself had dropped in. Although I never really thought that much on what my bearing in the war was, I was pushed from birth to support Andross. There was something incredible about him. He just has this aura. He doesn't even look alive but it's his eyes that give him away. Maybe it's just me, but when I looked into his dark beady eyes, all I could see was endless blackness. That alone made me almost defect to Corneria. I would have, but I also once met General Pepper and I wasn't any more impressed with him. He too had a dark evil glimmer in his eyes. I guess you could say I'm mostly neutral.
I gave up the distinction between good and evil a long time ago. Good and evil is really stupid when you think about it. No one is totally good, and no one is totally evil. There is always a gray area. Besides, one man's evil is always another man's good. So it really makes no sense to try to distinguish between them.
I am probably the most lonely person on the base, though it really doesn't bother me to much most times. At night it really hits me. It's those dark nights that really make me curse God for what he did to me. It's almost like a curse. I am doomed to forever be alone. Sometimes I wonder if I should just try picking up a woman, even though my heart wouldn't be in it. At least I wouldn't be alone. That's what all my friends have that I don't, a girlfriend. I hate to admit it, but I am jealous when I see them out in the open holding hands. It just reminds me of how totally lonely and pointless my own life is.
Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if my parents hadn't disowned me all those years ago. Maybe I would be someone important. Maybe I could actually have done something with my life. But I know in my heart that I could have never turned into the son they wanted me to be. They had my life all planned out for me, even before I was born. They were charting my fate. How painful it must have been for them when I broke their stupid hold on me.
I can remember that day, like it was yesterday, even though it was a full four years ago. The night my family disowned me, they did it quietly. Because they were a very proud family, they even created a nice cover story that gave me some valiant death at the hands of those Cornerian scum.
Maybe I am dead. Maybe all I am is an empty corpse. Sometimes I feel that way. So deep is my loneliness that I can actually feel that way.
Enough reminiscing, I have things to do. That is what I hate about my job here, even though the pay is pretty good, there is allot of useless paperwork to do, sometimes I have stacks of it so high that my inbox resembles a mountain more than an inbox, who would have thought there would be so much paperwork involved in designing fighter planes. I took a short satisfied look around my small office, I had accomplished allot since I moved in here, the blue prints for my finest design still sat on the office wall, the Wolfen 2 was really something alright, though I never much cared for the name, I would have chosen something much more expressive like angelfire. My current project was sadly not as big of a success, I had no real ideas of improvement for the Wolfen 3, other than streamlining the cockpit a little more, and adding faster guns, but that wasn't enough of an improvement to warrant an entire new model built. I sighed heavily as I stared at the ceiling of my office, it was pretty late, and it was almost time to head on back to my room, but what's the use in that, it's not like I have anyone waiting for me when I get home. The image of my empty room saddened me, sometimes I came pretty close to saying the hell with it all and that I should just go on out and find me a man, but that wouldn't be right, besides I had promised Name1 that I would never try to meet anyone again. Name1, God that name brings back memories, he was my first after all, way back when, when I was a different person of course, but fate had proven that I was not ready for such a relationship, and I have been paying the price ever since, even to think about getting close to another man after what I did to him is a crime, but sometimes the self imposed loneliness can be just too much. I crumpled up the paper I had been writing and tossed it into the wastebasket on the far side of my office, this was useless, I was getting nothing done, maybe I should go out to bar and get drunk, that's the spirit.
"I'm not a bad person at heart, all I really want is to love and be loved, that isn't so evil is it?"- Cray
The weathered brick, the one and only bar/restaurant on base #367 was nothing more than a hole in the wall really, but it would serve my purposes. Since it was so late by the time I got there, the bar's usual patrons had all gone home and passed out, so I was alone, just me and the bartender, which is really what I want, at least no one is here to see me fall apart like this. I pulled a stool up to the bar and motioned for the bartender.
"What'll it be?" asked the man behind the counter in a strangely fake cheery voice.
"I'll have whatever is strongest" I said emptily.
"Hmm, that bad" asked the bartender not really expecting an answer.
Within a minute, he had come back with a small glass of amber fluid, it burned and tasted like battery acid, but I could already feel it's powers affect me, that's it, this is what I need to feel, numb, I just want to feel numb. I began to feel very nervous, so I ordered a refill and walked to the jukebox, there wasn't all that good of a selection, but I chose one anyway, it was "come to my window" by Melissa Ethridge, not my favorite song, but something about her voice always makes me feel better, something about the soft and warm yet strained and cold feel of it really reached out to me. By the time I got back my second drink was waiting for me, I took a deep breath before drinking it, I really don't know what I'm going to do, why couldn't I be strong like Melissa Ethridge, if I were as strong as her, maybe Name1 wouldn't be... Stop, that's a total lie, what happened to Name1 was tragic, and it should never have happened, but it wasn't my fault, then that little voice in the back of my mind kicked in, "well, if it wasn't your fault, why are you doing this to yourself". "shut up" I yelled at myself internally, God I didn't need this kind of crap tonight, I just need to get drunk and pass out. It's times like this that I really question why I'm still alive at all, I mean I'm certainly not happy, but what force keeps me going, what energy drives my body out of bed every morning, instinct maybe, maybe I'm just to stupid to end it all, maybe the only thing that has kept me alive is stupidity. I'd love to be able to place my survival on inner strength or something stupid like that, but I know the truth, I am very weak, I just hope that my twenty-first birthday comes as soon as possible, because sometimes I just can't see living even another day as a man. I have asked myself many times why I am going thru with this, I have always felt I had the wrong body, but for the longest time I had prayed that I would just somehow magically wake up as a woman and all my troubles would be over. I guess, one morning I just woke up and realized that it would never happen by magic, and that God would never take back his crime against me, and that if I were ever going to realize my dream, I would have to fight for it on my own. One thing confuses me more than anything, I am afraid of women, well on an intimate level that is, but if I'm afraid of them, why is my greatest wish to be one, a long time ago, I promised myself, that when I got the surgery, I would dedicate my life to helping others, and I would be the most perfect woman in the universe, good hearted, funny, cute, but not sexy, I would be aiming for more of a warm weathered look, but sometimes I feel that promise slipping away, and I feel the jaws of death snapping at my tail. I noticed that the bartender was looking at me kind of funny, than I realized why, I was crying, God why did this have to happen here, why now, couldn't it wait till I got back to my room?
"Can I get anything to take with me" I asked weakly.
Five minutes later I was back in my room, with a small brown bag, I really didn't care what was in it, I just need unconsciousness, that's all, I drank half of it without a second thought and collapsed onto my bed without even changing, maybe if I were lucky, tonight I wouldn't dream, maybe if I were lucky, I wouldn't wake up at all.
"Cray is a very interesting case, even in the four years he was my patient, I never got a clear grasp of just what was wrong with him" Dr. Green, Venomian psychologist
I had the dream again, it was always the same, I was lying in
bed, and I was watching the shadows on the ceiling, when Name1 just
by my side, as always, I was met with mixed emotions when he appears in
my dreams, partial relief, and partial fear, I can see him now just as
I saw him last, he was and still is the cutest rabbit I ever met, I
loved the way his floppy ears would change with his emotions, now they
were drooped down, he looked awful now, dark blue, and so pale looking,
he reached out his paw to me, and glared at me with pure hatred, I awoke
in my room in a cold sweat, it took a few minutes to regain my composure,
but I did it, I tried to sit up, I was met with a sharp needle like pain
behind my right eye.
"owwwww" I whimpered as my eyes watered uncontrollable, than I started crying in long uncontrollable bursts. I shook my head violently, no, crying wouldn't solve anything, I had to get to work, after I get a drink that is. Than it hit me, what time was it anyway, I didn't care, I reached over and grabbed the last of whatever I had had the night before and finished it quickly. Feeling a little more under control, I stumbled over to my dresser, than changed my mind, I was already dressed, who cares if I smell bad, getting changed just seemed like to much work now. It took a while longer than usual, but I managed to get to my office, something was wrong though, the door was open, maybe someone did notice that I didn't show up after all. Inside my office I saw a very impatient one eyed wolf, I wonder what he wants, he looks strangely familiar.
"Can I help you" I asked.
"Yeah" said the wolf in a voice covered with ice, "I am supposed to meet an engineer here to go over some of the Wolfen 3 blueprints, but obviously, it appears my time isn't worth very much".
"Sorry" I said nervously, "I'm who you're looking for, I had a really hard night, sorry".
He looked me over in astonishment, "You're Cray" he asked unbelieving.
"Yeah" I said as I pulled a chair over, "You must be Wolf".
"Yes I am" said wolf, "God, you look awful, what did you do last night wrestle a tiger?".
I was a bit surprised by his concern especially with all the stories I had heard of him, everyone on the base said he was some sort of psychopathic murderer, but I didn't believe them, I always want to get to know someone before I make that type of criticism, besides, there is always a special someone for everybody, I'm sure there is someone Wolf will eventually love, I sometimes try to imagine someone's soulmate by looking at them.
"No" I said, "Just had a bit too much to drink that's all".
"That's odd" said wolf , "you don't look like the type to drown there sorrows with alcohol".
"only when i'm inspired" i said a little bitterly. "If you say so" said wolf, "anyhow, i'm here to go over the prototypes for the wolfen3, you do have them finished right". "sort of" i said distracedly as i searched thru the mountain of papers on my desk, they have to be here somewhere. "here they are" i said victoriously as i pulled them out from under an empty frozen dinner box. "hmm" said wolf thoughtfuly looking over the sketches, "there quite um technical". "yeah, they were pretty complicated to make" i said blushing, this is so strange, i can't beleive im actualy trying to impress wolf, what the hell could i possibly be thinking. Wolf looked from the papers to a small framed picture on my desk, it was of me and name1, back on my 13th birthday, i don't know quite why i keep his picture next to my desk, a reminder mabey of how weak i had been, mabey i'm just trying to tourture myself, either way i feel that it wouldn't be right if i put his picture away quite yet, almost as if i were deleting my memories of him. "who is this" asked wolf as he picked up the picture. I wasn't quite sure what to call name1, i mean from the stories i had heard about wolf, i wouldn't think he would be to open minded on the issue, but looking at him now, i can almost feel a connection between him and i, almost like something is telling me he would understand, "oh, that 's name1, my first boyfreind" i said casualy, "that was when we were thirteen". He looked a little stunned, but he wasn't attacking me, so i guess that's good, mabey my sheltered background is affecting this, but i still feel even today, that anyone i tell about myself is about to kill me, mabey it's been me who was wrong all these years. "you look sick" said wolf concerned again, "would you rather continue this later". "yeah sure" i said a little releived, i was feeling a little sick after all, oh well, i'll just walk it off once wolf leaves. "what time would be good for you" asked wolf. "how about nine" i asked, "there is only one restraunt on the base so i guess we can meet there". "sure" said wolf, he looked a little agitated, but he seemed to be handling this pretty well. After a awkward minut or two of talking, wolf left me, i slumped down into my chair and stared at myself in the mirror, for the first time in what seemed like forever, i looked myself right in the eyes, what am i thinking, i just hope that just this once i don't make a fool of myself, i really need this.
Even though it was only 9 o clock, the weathered brick was
deserted, oh well, at least I will get a chance to be alone with Wolf.
About a minute after I got seated, Wolf came in, how cute, he even
he was now wearing what looked like an orange cotton shirt and a pair of
dark blue pants.
"We meet again" said Wolf jokingly as he sat down in the seat across from me. "You sure this is the only restaurant on the base?".
"Yeah" I said, "This isn't exactly the best place to work if you want a really wild social life".
After a moment of waiting, the waiter came over and took our orders, since the place is mainly a bar, the food here isn't all that great, that's probably why most of my meals are frozen.
"Cray" said Wolf nervously, "I have a question about something you said earlier".
"Yeah, what is it" I asked politely.
"Remember what you said about looking for a man" said wolf clearly stumbling over his words, "does that mean your... you know".
"Yeah" I said passively.
"Really?" said Wolf with an expression on his face that I couldn't quite read, "what is it like to be with a man in that way?".
I was really caught off guard by his question, but I answered as best I could anyway. "Well, for me at least, it's nothing really physical, it's more of a intangible security I can only feel with another man".
"Intangible security?" said Wolf thoughtfully, "Would you say that it was worth it". "Well that's a tough one actually" I said deep in thought, "It's hard to describe, it's like the most beautiful thing in the world and the scariest thing also, it's like a gift and a death sentence at the same time".
"You've lost me" said Wolf confused.
"Let me explain" I said, "Let's say your in a room, and there are armed guards on all sides, and you know that if you can get past the armed guards you can flee into safety, but there is a lot of danger involved since you might get shot".
After looking at me in a very funny way for a moment, Wolf said "That has to be the most convoluted metaphor I have ever heard".
"I guess it's something you would have to go thru to understand" I said.
"Why don't you make me understand" said wolf nervously.
After the initial shock I took a deep breath and asked, "How would I do that?".
Wolf didn't answer, he just looked off into the distance for a moment and extended both paws across the table.
"Would you please take my paws" said Wolf. I felt my breath catch in my throat, and I was filled with a nervous excitement I hadn't experienced in four years, I nervously extended my own paws and took his, and we just stared at each other, God I missed this feeling, even the warmth of a paw was so alien and unnatural to me now. I looked down scared, and took a deep breath then looked him in the eye, "Wolf, could you do me a favor please?".
"What is it?" asked Wolf.
"Well" I said stumbling over my words, "I'm not very good at this, I'm not sure what to say".
Wolf didn't say anything again, I guess he must be waiting for me, but I don't want to make a fool of myself, then I felt it, he began to move his thumbs over my paws in a slow relaxing motion, so I decided I would take a chance.
"Wolf, do you think that you could spend the night... with me?".
He just looked at me thoughtfully, this was horrible, couldn't he at least say something, than he laughed, softly, not bitterly like before.
"Sure why not?" he said smiling.
At that time the waiter returned with our food, it was well, basically what you'd expect from a bar, nothing to to special.
"So, Wolf" I said, "Does this mean that you are...".
"Please don't say it" said Wolf almost panicking, "I really don't like that word".
"There was something strangely beautiful about Cray's vulnerability, a strange honesty, he really brings out something in me that I could never show anyone else."- Wolf
It seemed to take forever, but we finally got back to my room,
once inside, I turned the small desk light on and lay back on my bed.
"Nice place" said Wolf as he looked over my room.
"Thank you" I said blushing a little, I watched Wolf from the corner of my eye, he seemed a little nervous, not that I blamed him, this was my second time and I still was nervous. After a few minutes of stalling in the bathroom, Wolf returned to my side and sat next to me, my breath caught in my throat as I felt everything sink beneath me, I nervously sat up and we just sat there staring at each other, waiting for each other to make the next move.
"Why don't you explain how this works" said Wolf nervously fidgeting, "After all you have more experience than I do".
"Not much more" I said, "Name1 and I were never had all that much of a physical relationship, I remember what he said, he had said just to do whatever came natural".
"Seems like a good idea" said Wolf thoughtfully, we both stared at each other again, and after a long silence, Wolf took my paw in his and leaned forward and kissed me.
All at once I felt as if all my energy was being drained out of me, I slowly lay back pulling Wolf with me. Now Wolf was lying directly beside me, I pulled myself close and rested my face in his chest. Wolf slowly put his arm around me and put it on Mr. right shoulder, than he slowly let it slide down my back and rest in the small of my back. How long had it been since I felt this way, it was a strange feeling actually, I felt frozen yet on fire at the same time, it had definitely been too long, every night I had imagined this feeling, I thought I had remembered it, but I guess my memories faded over time.
"Is something wrong" asked Wolf concerned.
"Sorry" I said, "Just reminiscing".
"Care to talk about it" asked Wolf.
"Sorry" I said a little embarrassed, "It's probably nothing you would want to hear about".
"Try me" said Wolf.
What should I tell him, I felt torn inside, on one hand, I really needed to talk about this, but I don't want to ruin the moment.
"It has to do with my first" I said emptily pushing back a wave of tears.
"I'm willing to listen" said Wolf in a soft voice as he began to move his paw in small circles gently on my back, this was too much for my shattered spirit to take, I felt as if all my inner defenses had shut off, and I was going to explode. I did it, I just started crying, sobbing really, for the first time in years I was actually crying freely. Wolf was surprised, but he didn't let go of me, he just held on.
"It's OK" he said calmly, "Let it all out, there is no one else here, and I promise I'll never tell".
"Promise?" I asked shakily.
"I promise" said Wolf.
"All right" I said, after regaining my composure, I began talking again, "I guess I should begin by telling you a few things about myself, that will make this make allot more sense".
Wolf didn't say anything, he just lay there next to me, so I continued on, "Well, it all started when...".
I first met Name1 back when I was twelve, we met at a local
I never really did much as a child, my parents were really
they always said that playgrounds were dangerous places and allot of bad
people hung out there. I knew it was against my parents wishes, but I had
to go and find out, what this thing was, it was amazing, there were so
many people there, of all species and backgrounds, it was my first real
view of the world. I'm not sure what made me go to Name1, there really
wasn't anything outstanding about him from the other kids, there was just
something that made me go over and talk to him. I remember now, he was
playing some marble game by himself, he just looked so sad, that I had
to go and talk to him, my parents had always said that I was to
they didn't think it was proper for me to act that way, they told me
to steer clear of people with problems, but I never felt that was the
way. It was really strange actually, when I talked to him, he was just
so happy to find a friend that I guess my sheltered background didn't put
him off, that happened allot, no one wanted to be close to "that spoiled
rich kid" that's what they all called me.
Money is a strange thing, especially with kids, sometimes they brag that they have all this money, but other times, they brag that they have nothing, I guess there just trying to put on an image, never mind, I'm regressing. Name1 and I played the whole day, we just did anything, we hung around the playground, we took a walk, and we talked allot, about everything, and anything, from religion and God to the bad cafeteria food. Over time our friendship developed, so I decided I would introduce him to my parents, things went fairly well, my parents were sociable, but afterwards, they yelled at me for talking to a stranger, it was weird actually, they were the biggest strangers I ever met. After a month, we had our first sleepover, it was to celebrate my thirteenth birthday, as usual, my parents invited all my so-called friends, who were really the kids of their business associates, it was like pulling teeth, but I finally convinced them to let Name1 stay the night. When we opened all my presents, I got the usual toys and games from everyone, but Name1, he had made this necklace for me, it was made out of wood and it was hollow, and inside, he put our pictures in, and it was attached to this threadlike chain that had little places to put small things on, we put one on for every year we knew each other, it was and still is my most treasured gift. Even though I loved it, I had to keep it hidden under my shirt, since I knew my parents wouldn't approve of it, it hurt, but it was something I had to do. Then it was his birthday, and it took allot more pleading, but I got to go spend the night at his house, about that time I had started to develop artistic abilities, and Name1 and I would spend all day drawing all sorts of pictures, so for his birthday, I had painted my first picture using real paint, instead of Crayons that is, it was of his favorite animal, the dolphin, he absolutely adored it, it hung in his room till the day he died. I don't want to get into that now, something special happened at the sleepover, there weren't enough sleeping space, and I had to end up spending the night in Name1's bed, with him.
"So" interrupted Wolf, "Is that when you...".
"No" I said offended, "We were only thirteen, we didn't do anything like that until we were fourteen".
"Well excuse me" said Wolf a little offended, "A whole year".
"There is a big difference" I said as I moved to fit the contours of Wolf's body.
"Anyway, go on" said Wolf impatiently. "Well alright" I said, "Now where was I?". Sometime during the night, there was this really bad thunderstorm, and one of the storm windows broke off, it scared the hell out of us both, and from then on, we held each other for the rest of the night. After that, things went more or less back to normal, we drifted thru the days, weeks and months like a dream, before we knew it, a whole year had gone by, and my fourteenth birthday was fastly approaching. It was at my parents spring ball, that I began to feel a deeper connection between Name1 and myself, I never really liked the parties, they were always boring, and no one really talked to anyone, this time, I insisted on not dressing up, I hated those stupid suits, they were like straight jackets almost, so I went in plain clothes. What made this party special was that I invited Name1, this bothered my parents, they didn't like the lower class to be associated with their good name, but I insisted and they let him come. It was halfway thru the party, and I was feeling very bored, my parents were starting to push me to start dating, they had me talk to all the rich girls there, it was all a set up really, I never felt close to any of the girls they had me meet, since I always sort of thought of myself as a girl, I never could think of them in the way that was intended, I felt that I would never truly be in love, that I was just a cold person, that's what my life was, until this one profound moment. Name1 walked up to me, he to was wearing casual clothes, he took my paw, right in front of everyone, and he asked me if I wanted to dance, it was the most special moment in my life at that point, it was kind of funny actually, since I was so sheltered I had no idea there was anything funny with the way I felt about Name1, my feelings for him were my most natural feelings I experienced, my most true emotions. Since everyone was staring at us, he took me outside into the garden, and we sat on the huge marble fountain in the center, we just sat there under the stars talking for a full hour, that we just looked at each other, and somehow there was this unspoken message between us, and he kissed me, it was the first time I felt anything in my heart other than sadness and pity. That night my mother had one of those "special talks" with me, I hated those special talks, they always ended up with her bringing out what she called the hand of judgment, it was nothing more than a crude paddle really. When she was finished, and I was hurt and crying, she told me that I was being brainwashed and that I would go to hell if I didn't repent for my sins, that was when I knew in my heart that I could never be close to a woman. After that encounter, they forbade me to ever speak to Name1 again, and I would have followed their orders, if it weren't for the necklace, all it took was one look at our picture, and I knew I was making the right decision, I tried to hide what I was feeling, and I started to slowly unravel, it was what was most shameful to my parents, having to watch me fall apart, it got so bad we couldn't eat out anymore, and they constantly reminded me about what I was doing. It hit me one night, that my life was over, and I lay in bed with a knife to my wrist, trying to find the strength to just end it all, when I just fell apart, I cried all night. The next day didn't seem any different from the others at first, I got up as usual and went to school as usual, when I got there, I saw Name1 at my locker, he had said that he was worried about me, that I looked awful, I did look awful, I guess that's what so many hard nights do to you, what was worst about my attempted suicide was not the fact that death had scared me, but that fact that it didn't scare me, that was most scary, there is nothing worse than to be flung back from survival to suicide twenty times in one night, I could literally feel my sanity cracking. Than it had happened, on my way from third period to fourth, it felt like my heart was stuck in my throat, and I just started shaking, uncontrollably, I fell to the floor crying. Name1 was the first at my side, he helped me to the nurse's office the whole time telling me everything was OK, even in the middle of my nervous breakdown, what hurt me most was that everyone now knew I was losing it. Name1 could feel the same thing, he convinced the nurse to let him walk me home, when we got back to my house, he took me straight to my room, and put me to bed, I was still crying, I ended up crying for three days straight, he stayed by my side the entire time, even at night he held me close and kept telling me everything was going to be alright. At noon on the third day, I finally ran out of tears, I felt sick, empty inside, but I was finally able to talk. Name1 took my paw and slowly stroked it with his other paw.
"Now can you tell me what's wrong?" he asked me.
Even though I was stronger, I still couldn't talk without stuttering.
"Nobody loves me" I had said sadly.
He just looked down as if he were contemplating something very deep, than he took a deep breath and looked me right in the eyes, and said "no, that's not true, there are people who love you".
"Who?" I asked bitterly.
"Well..." said Name1 slowly, "I... I love you".
It had taken me a moment to comprehend what he had said, just like at the party, he pulled me close and kissed me, I was completely shocked, and for the first time in my life I said those three painful words and meant them, "I love you".
He hugged me, and neither of us said a word for the next two hours, we just lay in bed holding each other listening to the rain outside. We decided that we were going to come out together, and that we would be a couple forever and ever, we planned to tell his family first, but something terrible had happened.
"What was it?" asked Wolf softly.
"I'm sorry" I said shakily, "Can I stop now, I don't want to go on".
"Just give it time" said Wolf soothingly. "I won't make you talk if you don't want to".
"Thank you" I said emptily, and for the next few minutes, I just lay there silently, my mind was a merciful blank, all that I knew was the soft feeling of Wolf laying next to me.
"Wolf" I said uncertainly, "Do you think I'm a bad person?".
Wolf was a little startled by my question, but after a moment, he looked me directly in the eyes and said "Of course not, if anyone is the bad person it's me".
"Why is that?" I asked.
Wolf looked away shamefully, than shook his head and replayed, "Maybe later".
"All right" I said, "I won't make you talk if you won't make me".
"Fine by me" said Wolf indifferently.
After a moment, I put my arms around him, and he pulled me a little closer. "OK" I said feeling a little better, "I think I can go on now".
About a few days after my coming out to Name1, we had our first official date. Both my parents were on a business trip, and Name1 and I had the whole house to ourselves for the night. Name1 arrived at about five o clock, and we were so nervous that we could hardly carry on a conversation, than he suggested that we go out on a walk, like we used to do when we were younger. We walked for about two and a half miles around my neighborhood, when it began to rain heavily, by the time we got back home, we were both soaking wet, and the best part was that were were happy, that's what I loved about Name1, how he always remained cheerful under hard situations, my mother on the other hand would start screaming over something as trivial as getting to a movie a minute late. Besides being soaked, we were pretty dirty, since the rain was kind of a muddy rain, I decided I should take a bath. I don't like to bath very often, since it's so much work and I can never reach allot of places, but I decided I would anyway. Name1 was reading a book in the living room when I started my bath, it started out fine, but like always I got a little frustrated, since I'm not very flexible. Halfway thru I noticed that I left the sponge on the sink, since I really didn't want to get the floor wet, I called Name1 in. Like the nice person he was, he came right in, and picked up the sponge, but instead of giving it to me, he started to help me wash the fur on my back. It was a kind gesture, but I guess I seemed a little nervous, so he stopped and we talked for a minute. Than he did what I least expected him to do, he got in with me. After that, we just basically talked for a while, then he got out and dried off and left, I wanted to stay in for a little longer, so I did. At ten o clock, I finally got out, and I went to my room to change into my night clothes, I was surprised to find Name1 already in bed. After I changed, I walked over and sat down next to him, I was very nervous, I was almost shaking. It took a while, but I got the courage to climb in next to him, and after a little talking, and a small amount of silence, it happened, we became a couple.
"You mean you did it" asked Wolf curiously.
"Well yes" I said a little offput by his description, "That was the one and only time we became physical".
It was the most special night of my life, even now, it was like for one night, my spirit was allowed to soar without the chains of shame, it was like discovering my own body for the first time. When we were finished, we went to sleep, it was my first real nights rest in a long time, all it took was to look at Name1 sleeping peacefully at my side to shed any doubts as to whether or not this was right for me. The next morning, we just lay in bed in each others arms, neither of us wanted to move at all, it was my first real sense of security, but all that ended, we were so preoccupied with each other that we didn't hear the front door open, and we didn't hear my parents enter the room. Something must have snapped in my mother's mind then, I guess it was the sight of us together, but something pushed her over the edge, she broke into a burning rage, and she kicked Name1 out before we could even say good-bye, and after that, she brought out the hand, and had a very very long and painful talk with me. They locked me in my room for the whole day, than that night, they both came in and they told me that they were going to take me to a doctor who could help fix me, and they wanted me to take a memory potion so that I would forget all about Name1.
"What did you do?" asked Wolf.
"Well" I said, "Like the weak bastard I was, I went along with it".
After that they decided they would keep me out of school until they could schedule my treatment, I didn't want to go thru with it, even though I hated being the way I was, my memories of Name1 were to precious for me to throw away. On the night before my appointment, I got a call, but the person on the other side hung up without saying a word, I knew in my heart that it was Name1, and that something was terribly wrong. I didn't care at all, I just ran as fast as I could to his house, but I was too late, he already did it, I didn't know what to do, he was losing allot of blood, and he didn't seem to even notice I was there, so I called 911. When the ambulance got there, we were taken to the hospital, and he was checked in. I spent the whole night in the waiting room, it took allot of explaining for them to even let me in to see him. Finally at dawn, he regained conciseness, and was able to talk, but very weakly. He looked so sad and alone, I didn't know what to say, then he saw me, and he seemed to be allot happier, he told me that he was dying. I didn't want to believe it, I told him everything would be OK, and that one day we were going to get married and have a family. He didn't seem convinced, but he thanked me for saying so, and than that's when his parents arrived, they just sat there watching us, I didn't care that they were there though, I kept talking to him about how we were going to live off the land once he got better, in a nice small house in the country, and for lack of anything better to do, I did what he had done for me when I had my nervous breakdown, I sang to him.
"What song?" asked Wolf.
"It was "As I lay me down to sleep" by Sophie Hawkins" I said. "Have you ever heard it?".
"Yeah" said Wolf, "A little to cute for me though".
I think Name1 must have sang that to me over a hundred times during the three day depression, so I knew the song by heart, and when I finished, he slipped quietly into a coma, and died, I was broken inside, I bent down and kissed him, and closed his eyes. By then I noticed that my parents were also there, I just looked at everyone, they were all staring at me, and I told them, I told them right there, that I loved Name1 and nothing they could ever do would change that, and that I would not go thru with the memory potion. My parents didn't even say a word to me, but the message was clear, I went home, packed my things, and I haven't spoken to them ever since.
"That's terrible" said Wolf sadly, "I had no idea".
"It's OK" I said, "But it's just that if I had only been stronger, Name1 would still be here".
Wolf didn't say a word for a full minute, then he said "I don't think your weak at all, your stronger than me, even behind my cold evil mask, all I am is a frightened child".
"You can always change you know" I said, "You don't have to lie like this".
"Yeah" said Wolf emptily, "But look what happened to you, even though I don't have any real close friends, I'm afraid of losing what little I have".
"It's OK" I said, "You'll have me".
"Thank you" said Wolf smiling shyly.
We stared at each other for about a minute, than we kissed one last time and I lay my face against his fur and let sleep take over naturally for the first time in as long as I remember, I was happy.
"Cray is a total mystery, while he has the physical body of a
man, he isn't cruel like a man, and while he claims to be a woman, he
play dark mind games like women do, he is almost like a third gender"
This was actually the first morning in a while that I had
woken up completely sober. Wolf woke me up at about six thirty, I guess
he is used to getting up earlier than I am. After a short conversation,
he got dressed and went to pick something up. I lay in bed for the next
hour just running my paw over the part of my bed where Wolf had slept,
it was still warm. Finally, Wolf got back, he was carrying a small brown
bag when he came in, he walked over to the corner of my bed and sat down.
"Still not up" asked Wolf with a warm smile.
"No, not yet" I said, "It's not noon yet.".
"Well whatever" said Wolf with a small laugh, "I brought you something, a real breakfast".
"What is it" I asked as I pulled on a long T-shirt. He didn't answer. He walked into my kitchen area and returned with two small plates, they both had a weird colored iced doughnut on them.
"Best of all" said Wolf in a salesman imitation, "There cream filled".
"Oh joy!" I said, "rainbow colored icing and fruit flavored cream, all part of this complete breakfast".
We both laughed nervously and sat down to eat, the doughnuts were surprisingly good actually, but they were a bit too sweet though.
"So Wolf" I said, "What are your plans for today".
"I don't have any real plans" said Wolf, "I'm supposed to go over the blueprints with you, so we can do something together afterwards".
"That sounds nice" I said happily, "When do you have to be back at venom".
"Not for another day" said Wolf as he cleared the plates off, "You know you could come with me".
I couldn't believe what I had heard, this was almost moving a little too fast.
"And how would you describe our situation to your StarWolf friends" I asked.
"Well" said Wolf thoughtfully, "You could help me".
"I wouldn't go to get coming out advice from me" I said nervously, "I was disowned after all".
"Maybe" said Wolf in deep thought, "What did you do after you left home".
"Well" I said, "The first night, I really didn't have anywhere to go, so I just walked and walked".
"Did you end up having to sleep outside" asked Wolf.
"No" I said remembering that night, "I spent the night at our local church, they knew of my situation, and they didn't want to throw me out in the cold, but I had to leave the next day, since I didn't really feel comfortable around all those religious people".
"So they too kicked you out" asked Wolf concerned.
"Can we not talk about that now" I asked weakly, "Besides nothing we do now can change that".
"Sure" said Wolf softly as he rested his paw on my knee.
A few minutes later, Wolf and I were standing outside in the Zoness morning, I was wearing my favorite outfit, it was a bright yellow shirt with a small cartoon chicken patched onto it, and I was wearing my favorite pants, they were a fluffy orange pair of sweat pants, it must have been over a year since I had felt the need to wear any colored clothing, God how I missed them.
"So" said Wolf looking up and down the street nervously, "What's there to do on a Saturday on Zoness?".
"Like I said, Zoness isn't the place to go if you need a really active social life" I said thoughtfully, "Why don't we go down to the beach, I've always wanted to go, but I never had anyone to go with".
"Sure" said Wolf actually smiling.
He acts nothing like I imagined he would from the stories I heard about him, I don't think half of them are true though, I really don't think he could have killed someone for looking at him funny, or could he have.
"What's on your mind?" asked Wolf curiously.
"Nothing" I said shaking my head slowly.
We started walking, just aimlessly really, there was no real right way to get to the beach, it seemed every road lead to some beach, but most of them are polluted beyond recognition. I noticed it started to get really cold, so I put my paws in my pockets, but that didn't stop me from shivering.
"Cold out isn't it?" said Wolf distracted.
"Yeah" I said, moving a little closer to him.
"What are you doing" asked Wolf suddenly nervous.
"What" I asked, "Are you ashamed of me, I thought you were all interested in coming out".
"Yeah" said Wolf defensively, "But not here".
"Well can't you at least hold my paw?" I asked hopefully, "There isn't anything wrong with that now is there?".
"I suppose not" said Wolf darkly, but in spite of his dark mood, he extended his paw to me, he must really be nervous, not that I blame him. I took his paw in mine and we started walking again, this was totally strange, he would hold onto my paw with a death grip whenever we passed anyone, almost as if he were afraid that we would be torn apart.
We finally reached the beach, it was just like I had expected it to be, it was deserted except for a few lone children playing in the surf, the water was actually clear here, not black like most of Zoness.
"Do you think these beaches will ever be safe to swim in again" I asked deep in thought.
"I hope so" said Wolf gazing lazily over the extending sea.
A little ways down the beach, I found a small cave like structure under a large rock, "Hey Wolf" I said brightly, "Why don't we have our picnic here?".
"Um sure" said Wolf non commitedly, it took a few minutes to set up the blanket and everything, but that didn't bother me today, I feel like this day will never end, but in a good way that is.
Wolf lay casually back against the cliff face and began to slowly eat his sandwich, Since I was a little cold, I crawled over and lay against Wolf, resting my head on his shoulder. Even in the cave, I could tell he was still very self-conscious, but he put his arm around me anyway, and I pulled my own sandwich out and began eating. We just lay there for what seemed like hours, just watching the surf breaking on the beach, I began to feel my thoughts drift back to Name1, it was sad actually, Name1 and I only went to the beach once, it was my first time going, and I remember that I had a problem with my bathing suit since I felt it was humiliating having so much showing, that was my first real sense of my gender problems, I'm not quite sure why that memory sticks into my mind, but something really traumatizing must have happened.
"The ocean sure brings back a lot of memories doesn't it?" said Wolf in a far-away sounding voice.
"Care to talk about it?" I asked taking his paw in mine.
After staring at the ocean for a few minutes, he took a deep breath and shook his head, "I don't even know how many people I've killed in my life, but it seems like ever since I was in third grade, I didn't go a month without killing someone, do you think I can ever be forgiven?".
I really didn't know how to respond, "It looks like we both have done a lot of bad things in our life" I said sadly, "Maybe us being together is God's way of making everything right again".
"Hmmm" said Wolf deep in thought, "Perhaps, maybe this our way of righting each other's wrongs".
"Do you believe in God" I asked.
"I honestly don't know" said Wolf with a strange darkness falling over his once shining face.
"You must not do much intellectual discussion on venom do you?" I asked.
"Well if you ever tried having an intellectual conversation with the likes of Pigma, you would understand why I keep to myself" said Wolf almost laughing.
"Hey Wolf" I said jumping to my feet, the sudden movement startled him, "Why don't we go to the lighthouse?".
"Sure" said Wolf shrugging, "is it even open to tourists?".
"I think so" I said as I pulled him with me.
Wolf seemed to have an easier time holding paws in public now, he didn't even protest once the way there.
The lighthouse was at the end of a long cliff that went into the churning ocean like a knife, we made our way cautiously down the slippery rock path to the door of the lighthouse. To our surprise, it wasn't even locked, we just went right in, inside there was a long wooden stairway leading to the observation deck and another leading downward to a small dock, we took the upward stairs.
"Incredible view isn't it?" I said breathlessly at the railing.
"Yeah, it's nice" said Wolf, "Have you ever seen space?". The question took me a bit by surprise.
"Of course I've been in space" I said, "I didn't just warp here from Venom".
"That's not what I meant" said Wolf, "What I meant was in a Wolfen2".
"No" I said a little embarrassed, "I've actually never been inside one, what's it like?".
"It's indescribable" said Wolf, "All the stars all around you, it really makes you feel small".
"Great" I said cynically, "That's really what I need, too feel small, and besides, I could never go in one of those things, I can't even take a commercial flight without an airsick bag".
"You're an airplane designer and you can't even take a commercial flight?" said Wolf disbelieving, "Now that is messed up".
"Wolf" I said sadly, "You still haven't told me a thing about yourself, here I've spilled my entire life's story for you and you still avoid every question I ask you".
Wolf looked down ashamed, then he look me directly in the eyes, "It's different for me, I'm not really ready yet, besides, I guess I really don't have that many memories of my past since I keep trying to bury them".
"What good does burying you memories do?" I asked, "I anyone would have any intention of burying there memories it would be me".
"I'm sorry" said Wolf, "It's that, like I said before, I did a lot of awful things in my past, and I really don't want to lose you".
looked away for a brief moment than back at him, "I promise no matter what you did, I will support you".
"Really?" asked Wolf uncertainly.
"Really" I said.
He looked around the horizon slowly, than back at me, "I'll tell you everything, just not here, not now, maybe tonight".
"Maybe?" I said, "I really don't want to see you go tomorrow, if only there was some way you could extend your trip here".
"That would be nice" said Wolf thoughtfully, "May I ask you a question?".
"Sure" I said uncertainly. "I know your neutral and all" said Wolf, "But why do you make planes for Venom, what's stopping you from going over to Corneria for more money?".
"I really don't know" I said thoughtfully, "I guess old habits die hard, besides, I really see no difference between Andross and General Pepper, there both as evil".
"That's your problem" said Wolf decisively, "You are too concerned with people, can't you ever look at a situation as right and wrong, why do you always have to see it as hurting someone?".
"Because it is, war is death" I said coldly, "There is no good, there is no evil, all there is is greed and power".
"That's not true with Andross" said Wolf, "I know he has ideals and visions, that's a hell of a lot more than General Pepper has, all he cares about is image and control".
"Yes" I said exasperated, "But must those visions be met thru violence, can't they just work it out peacefully?".
"Your strange you know that" said Wolf in a tone that I couldn't quite read, "Even though you went thru all that you have, you still have an innocence, something I lost a long time ago".
I was touched, but confused as well, why was Wolf being so emotional all of the sudden, I will probably never understand men.
"You know" I said softly, "It's never too late to regain that innocence".
"How would I do that" asked Wolf to no one in particular.
"I'm not sure" I said as I put my arm around him, "I'm sure there is a way somehow".
We just stood there for what seemed like forever, than wordlessly, we left the lighthouse, and began the long walk back to the base.
"We never saw Cray as a sinner, just more misdirected and
we would have brought him home if he had done the right thing and taken
the memory potion" -Cray's mother
"So, what now?" asked Wolf as he fell against my bed.
"I don't know" I said as I yawned, "That's the problem with getting up so early, you never have anything to do".
"I guess now would be a good time as any to explain myself" said Wolf nervously.
"If your up to it I will listen" I said trying to be as supportive as possible.
"Well" said Wolf, "I first started having problems with myself around when I joined the Venomian army, you probably wouldn't believe this, but I was always told I was to girlish as a child".
"No" I said, "I really can't".
"Well" said Wolf, "I guess who I turned into is the happy shining product of what my father believed a man should be".
"What was that" I asked, I knew I was getting into some sensitive territory here by the way Wolf had to really think about what he was saying.
"I always wanted to please my father" said Wolf staring blankely at the ceiling, "I quickly learned that the only thing that made him proud was when I killed, it was like he was trying to gut any humanity I had in my, it was like he was raising a monster, and like the idiot I was, I went along with it".
I didn't say a word, I got up and lay in front of him and hugged him, the way he had hugged me when I told him my life story the night before, it appeared to be working, I could almost feel him sag in my arms as he let everything out.
"I had a sister, but she wasn't much help" said Wolf dully, "I must have worshipped her, she was my only true friend growing up, but even she was never there for me when the beatings got really bad, and I just sank into a world of violence, I was put in a correctional institute, but I could tell my violence still made my father proud, until he was executed, at the hands of James McCloud".
"James McCloud?" I said, "Wasn't he the father of Fox McCloud of StarFox?".
"Yeah" said Wolf, "I began to hate Fox McCloud, it was my darkest emotion, I could almost see hate pouring out of everything, all I wanted to do was kill him, and make him pay for killing my father, even though I hated my father I was still depressed".
Then I felt something very strange, I could feel Wolf shaking in my arms, I couldn't believe it, he was actually crying.
"I'm sorry" said Wolf shaking his head, "it's been so long since I cried, I almost forgot what it feels like, then I actually met Fox, I wasn't sure what was happening to me, he was nothing like his father, his father had been a cold hearted killer, just like my father had been, but he was different, I don't know, but there was something about him, maybe it was a dignity that I didn't have, but I began to have strange feelings for him, and I hated him for making me love him, I felt that if I could only kill him, I would also kill my feelings for him, I'm awful aren't I?".
I had no idea what to say, I had no idea Wolf had felt that way.
"Listen" I said, "Here is what were going to do, were going to be together, and anyone who could possibly care will know, there is no need to hate, there is no need to be ashamed".
He looked up at me, fear was clear in his face.
"You think so?" he asked.
"No" I said, "I know so".
"Thank you" he said, with nothing but happiness in his eye, he pulled me close, slowly and we kissed, and he looked me right in the eyes and took both my paws in his and said in the most determined voice I had ever heard him use.
"All right, were going to make it I just know it".
"Yes" I said, "We can and will make this work".
To be continued.......
So there officially a couple now, but how will the rest of
react, will Wolf even stay with StarWolf, or will he leave and follow his
own path, and will he ever make peace with Fox, what will Fox say, these
questions and many more will be answered in the upcoming episodes