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Jolteonís interview with Fox Mc cloud & wolf O’ Donnel

Prologue

Why am I doing this?

I have seen what happens when other people try to do an interview (Especially Wulf and Iced - last I heard, they were bouncing off the walls of a nuthouse….) So why the hell I’m I subjecting myself to this? I am Jolteon, the best Pokémon of the lot, and fox’s crew said they’d put a good word in for me with Nintendo if I do a few interviews. (I should be the mascot, Not pika-chump- maybe in the next game?) Oh well… might as well get this over with.

Jolteon: Well, here goes. Fox and wolf are sedated, I have installed Anti-plothole ™ Version 2.11(®) and I’m prepared for just about anything.

At this point, Wolf starts to come round.

Wolf: Mmmmmmm… katt…. Did I ever tell you how pretty you’re fur is. Why, I could just…. Hay! What’s going on here? Whoever woke me up is in deep trouble, especially as I was dreaming of…. Errrrr… absolutely nothing in particular.

Jolteon: Hi Wolf. You have been drugged and brought here to do an interview with me.

Wolf: but I was flying in my wolfen II a minuet ago!

Jolteon: Well, yes you were, but We drugged you’re thermos flask and you fell asleep at the controls. I didn’t know you liked prune juice. Oh, and By the way, you caused $50,000 worth of damage as you crashed into vemon HQ, and Andross is pretty ticked off with you.

Andross: You bet I am! Wait until you get back to HQ, wolf!

Wolf: Hang on, did you say "We?"

Jolteon: Yeah, I couldn’t do it alone, So Andrew helped me.

Wolf: What! That double-crossing monkey! When I get my hands on him, I’ll….

Jolteon: Do you mind if we get started now?

Wolf: Oh, go on then.

Jolteon: First question. Do you know you were muttering something about Katt’s fur when you woke up? Do you dream about her often?

Wolf: errr, no. I never dreamt about her before.

Andrew: liar!

Wolf: I haven’t!

Leon: That’s not what you told me the other day. You said you dream about her every day, how she is always on you’re mind, how that tuff of white hair drives you wild with desire, how….

Wolf: It’s not true! I never think about katt…. Sweet, sweet katt…… Katt, who, If given half a chance, I would sha……

Andrew: Oh Brother!

Jolteon: Ooooooookay, lets move swiftly on. What are you’re thoughts on you’re team-mates?

Wolf: I like them all, and we get along really well.

Jolteon: you do know they can’t hear you, don’t you?

Wolf: well, in that case, Leon is a great guy, once you get over his creepy torturing thing. Him and me are always going to the pub, getting drunk, and kill a few innocent bystanders. Its funny, that. First we get slaughtered, then we slaughter. Pigma is alright, but that pig has a serious weight problem. We’ve had to modify his jet so his belly will fit in. Once, he joined a slimmers club, but as there wasn’t anything to eat, he ate the other members! And it’s not just the amount he eats, It’s what it eats. Do you know, he once ate a metric tonne of baked beans?

Jolteon: Man that must have been worse then koffin’s poison gas attack!

Wolf: You have no idea. He killed two vemoniom soldiers who were stupid enough to walk behind him, he walked past a naked flame, and blew up 40 invader jets, and was served a court order to leave the planet until the effects wore off.

Jolteon: how long was that?

Wolf: four months

Jolteon: what about Andrew?

Wolf: The only reason that he is on the team is because of his uncle. He can’t even outfly that twit Slippy. The only reason that I haven’t killed him is because he’ll one day rule vemon

Jolteon: Oh I get it. If he died, there would be a civil war for the throne, and thousands of people would surly perish.

Wolf: Naaaw. He’ll make me heir to the throne, THEN I kill him!

Jolteon: Sounds fair to me.

Wolf hay, shouldn’t fox of come round by now?

Jolteon: yeah. Boy he must have had the whole lot of drug I gave him.

Wolf: How did you give it to him?

Jolteon: I put it in a pitcher of beer. Falco said he didn’t drink much, so I used twice the recommended dosage

Wolf: What! You were had by Falco. Fox is a serious alcoholic. He could get pissed in a milk bar! He probably finished the whole pitcher by himself!

Jolteon jumps up and check to see if Fox had a pulse. Realising that his heart had stopped, he steps back and thundershocks him. 20,000 volts is sufficient to get his heart going again, and he continues to sleep soundly.

Jolteon: that was close. Do you have any idea how many forms you have to fill out if someone dies nowadays?

Wolf: Tell me about it. I have to fill those damm thing in regularly, and as for Leon, he keeps a stash of them in his briefcase full of torture implements. Why, I remember the days where you could kill someone and just walk away from the scene. None of this form nonsense. Why, the police didn’t even bother looking at the body. Why….

Jolteon: Well that’s nice, but I have the slight problem of an unconscious fox, and I promised Fara I’d have him back safely by 7:00 for their date!

Wolf: well, good luck then. Tell me, do you have a death wish, or are you just stupid.

Jolteon: This isn’t funny! She’ll skin me alive and rip off my limbs if she ever find out!

Wolf: Well, if you’re really desperate…

Jolteon: of course I’m blooming well desperate. If you can do something, do it!

Wolf: Okay then….

Wolf took out a large syringe full of addrein, and proceeded to dump the full load into fox’s backside. Instantly fox jumped up on a sugar rush and runs through a wall in his hurry to leave the room. Jolteon looks at wolf stunned.

Wolf: what? He’ll be back in a minute, after the stuff wears off

Jolteon sigh. I knew this would happen.

At this moment, a bleary eyed fox walks into the room and collapses on a chair

Fox: Uhhhhhh. My head hurts. I knew I shouldn’t of bet Falco I could drink the whole picture in 30 seconds. Hay, why does my fur have electric burns? And while we’re at it, why does my butt hurt?

Jolteon: Ummmmm, No reason. Hi. Fox, wolf, Wolf, fox.

Fox: Yes we know each other we’re mortal enemas

Jolteon: that brings us nicely to my next point. Fox, wolf, why do you two hate each other?

Fox: He started it! He took my magazines

Wolf: He started it! He took my jump-suit

Fox: He started it! He took my ship

Wolf: He started it! He took my toy

Fox: He started it! He took my dummy

Wolf: He started it! He took my virginity

Fox and Jolteon look at Wolf with worried expressions.

Fox: Wow, I must have been really drunk!

Wolf: Did I say that? Sorry, I got caught up in the argument there.

Jolteon: Right, we are moving on while we still have a fragment of decency. You two are the best pilots in the whole lylat system. How does that make you feel?

Wolf: Well, with me being the best pilot there is, I feel….

Fox; Bull! I’m the best pilot!

Wolf: No, I am!

Fox: No, me!

Wolf: No, ME!

Fox: ME!

Wolf: ME!

Fox: ME!

Wolf: ME!

Fox: ME!

Wolf: ME!

Jolteon: At least we haven’t had any plot holes yet…

Wolf & Fox: NOOOO! DON’T SAY THAT

As soon as the words leave Jolteon’s mouth, a large vortex opens up, and Peppy, and Leon fall out of it

Peppy: quick Leon! We must do this for the sake of the universe! We cannot afford to fail!

Jolteon: I really should of known better then to say that. Dare I ask what are you guys doing?

Leon: we are destroying every source of helium in the galaxy to try and lower Slippy’s voice by a couple of octaves

Jolteon: a worthy cause, we’ll help you.

A short while later, the universes supply of helium is greatly dilpleeted, and the interview continues with Leon and peppy sitting in.

Jolteon: Right, lets get on with it. Peppy, some people say you are going senile. Is that true?

Peppy: Who are you? What am I doing here? Who’s the president of the USA?

Falco: Slippy is!

Peppy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I CAN’T LIVE IN A WORLD LIKE THAT. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Peppy then hurls himself out of a window, and is knocked unconscious on impact.

Jolteon: That was a mean trick Falco. HAY! How’d you get here anywhere?

Falco: Through that plot hole that just dumped me here.

Jolteon: This is ridiculous! I spent $2000 on that Anti-plothole ™ software! Get Bill gates in here NOW!

Pigma appears chasing Bill gates through Another Plothole Jolteon throws Pigma a leg of lamb so he stops chasing bill.

Jolteon: Bill! This is not on. I want an explanation!

Bill Gates: What’s the problem with the software?

Bill Grey appears through yet Another plothole

Bill Grey: Did someone call my name?

Jolteon: that’s what’s flipping wrong with it! I want it to work NOW!!!!

Bill Gates: Well, first you have to upgrade to windows ’98, get the patch for ’98, get the patch for the patch for ’98, have a six trillion Kbs speed internet connection with internet explorer vr 1075, then you will be able to use our customers complaints service for $200 a second to apply for a software upgrade to enable you to order a replacement package for $40,000 – plus posting and packaging.

Bill Grey: What?

Wolf: What?

Fox: What?

Leon: What?

Falco: What?

Peppy: (even thow he is unconscious) What?

Pigma: (with his mouth full) What?

Jolteon: WHAT!?! THAT’S IT! LEON, you have a new victim\volunteer

Leon gives an evil smile, grabs Bill Gates and drags him into the back room, carrying a small, black suitcase.

Wolf: Gee, I’d better get him some more death forms.

Leon: This, is for making an OS that never works

Bill Gates: Hay, what are you going to do with…oh…oh No… please, for the love of god, nooooARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Leon: and this is for making me lose millions in shares in you’re ruddy company.

Bill Gates: No… please leave my arsAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH… the…pain…. You…….

At this point I have to censor what bill said. You can hear cleaner stuff at porn sites.

Bill Grey: now That’s gotta hurt.

Falco: Gee thanks for that! I’d never of known having your "Censored" pulled out through your d**k with a rusty "censored" would hurt.

Bill Grey: Yeah, but it was skilful the way Leon did it.

Pigma: Could you shut the door. The screaming is putting me off eating.

Wolf: well, there’s a first!

Fox: could we shut the door please? I’m about to throw up.

Jolteon: yeah we better.

I walk up to the door and take a quick peek in. I see what’s left of Bill Gates as a shaking heap on the floor.

Bill gates: P-p-please……. Kill…..me.

Leon: Oh no you don’t! I haven’t finished with you yet.

I quickly shut the door, and turn round to see Fox vomiting out of the window. Unfortunately, peppy is still at the bottom, and is rudely awakened when fox’s lunch lands on his head

Peppy: HAY!!!

He then sees some carrot in it, and eats it. I turn away, repulsed.

Jolteon: right. Let’s continue…

However, it was not to be, for at that moment, another plot hole appeared, and Caiman popped out of it in his jet.

Jolteon: oh man! This just gets worse and worse. Well, whilst your here Caiman, I might as well ask; what in the world are you?

Caiman: well, you see I’m a very rare….

Leon: And THIS, is for Macintosh.

Caiman: What was that?

Jolteon: Just ignore it.

Caiman: oh, OK. Well, you see I’m a type of…..

Bill Gates: Hay, isn’t that a….. Oh. No. don’t do that…Ooof!!, AIEEEEEEEE!!!!! Holy mother of PAIN!!

Caiman: That’s it! I can’t take any more of this! I’m trying to tell my life story, and all I get is interruptions.

He leaves in a huff.

Jolteon: right. Let’s try again. Falco, In one day, you attempted to kill fox and Peppy and….

Falco: Don’t forget the helium tank that I let off in Slippy’s arwing that has been leaking for. The.. past….Severn……years. Oops.

Fox: WHAT? You mean to say we have had to put up with Slippy voice being in treble-octave suprano because you let off a helium tank?

Falco: Well, that and the fact I smashed his manhood with a sledgehammer.

At this, Jolteon, wolf, Fox, peppy, Pigma, and Bill grey cringe in pain for Slippy

Peppy: Even for you falco, that is low. You deserved to be punished.

Falco: Yeah? What are you going to do about it you old fart?

Peppy: old? OLD?

Fox: Quick, take cover. Peppy’s Mid-life crisis is kicking in!

At this, everyone except Falco cowers behind the sofa, as peppy goes nuclear. When we emerge, we find peppy in the middle of the floor, fainted from a stress attack, Falco in a bloody pile on the floor, with his arms bent in ways they really shouldn’t go, and the whole room blackened and smashed to pieces.

Jolteon: just out of interest, does anyone tell you that you all need serious help?

Leon: what do you mean, we need help?

Leon emerged from the back room, covered in blood, bile, and other bodily substances that I wouldn’t like to guess at.

Jolteon: err, nothing. So do you guys like pokémon?

Fox: what?

Wolf: Never heard of it.

Pigma: oh, I have. Isn’t it that the one with the fat plumber?

Bill Grey: Naaw. It’s the one with the blue hedgehog.

Fox: Oh, wait. Hasn’t it got that cute mouse in? what’s his name?

At this Jolteon twitches his eye.

Pigma: errr… Pikachu?

At this Jolteon growls

Bill Grey: yeah. That’s it. He’s really cute

At this Jolteon spasms his neck.

Wolf: yeah. He’s cool.

At this Jolteon finally snaps.

Jolteon: NO! HE IS NOT CUTE OR COOL! HE IS SCUM! SCUM, YOU HEAR? HE CANT EVEN BEAT A BELLSPROUT! HE IS A WEAK, PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A LIVING CREATURE! ASH SHOULD LIKE ME BEST! I’M THE BEST! I’M GOOD HIM BAD! NOT HIM, ME! ME! HE DESERVES TO DIE! DIE YOU HEAR ME PIKACHU? I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU DEAD!!

Fox: Wow. That Jolteon guy has deep issues.

Wolf: tell me about it.

Wolf looks in peppy’s pocket, and finds a sedative for his stress. He gives it to Jolteon, who quickly calms down.

Jolteon: What? What was I doing? Oh, yeah. Sorry. I had to get that out of my system. Say, what’s the time?

Wolf: It’s a minute past seven.

Jolteon & Fox: Ohno!

At this moment, the door into the room fly’s off the hinges, knocking Me and Fox over. Standing in the frame, is a demonic-looking Fara.

Fara: YOU! You promised that you’d be back for seven!

Fox: honey I…

Fara hits fox over the head with a rolling pin

Fara; And YOU, Jolteon! You said you would get him back by seven!

Jolteon: But I….

Fara hits me over the head with a frying pan

Fara: just you wait until I get you home fox!

Fox: but sweetie..

Fara hits fox over the head with a baseball bat

Jolteon: Guys, back us up here!…. Guys?

I turn round to get moral support, but everyone else was sane enough to run away like a big pansy when they saw the fire in Fara’s eyes. (Sorry. Change "fire" for "raging inferno hotter then solar".)It was worse then Katt with PMT. I turn back to Fara, and find a brick in my face.

Fara: don’t you look away from me!

Fox: But he was only….

Fox then finds himself crushed under a hovercar

Fara: It’s a good job pikachu told me where I’d find you two.

Jolteon: What?

Fara then picks up the grey-one, and hurls it at us. Me and fox find ourselves under two tonnes of jet-fighter.

Fara: That pikachu is so helpful… and cute…

Jolteon: Shut up you bitch….

Epilogue

Well that’s pretty much how the interview finished. The last thing I can remember was the great fox hurtling towards me and Fox at great speed, then Fara leaping at me. But everything is turning out well. Fox is showing brain activity now. That’s a good sign. I came round with two dozen surgeons operating around me. I have had my skin grafted back on, my limbs re-attached, and I can now eat solids again. Peppy has got a phycrystist to help him through his midlife crisis. Falco is in the bed next to me after Peppy finished with him. He is in full body traction. Wolf is still dreaming about katt, and enjoying it. Andross made him pay for the damage at vemon HQ. He also got him to clean his personal toilet with his tongue. He now has breath that smells worse then pigma’s farts. Leon FINALLY managed to get Bill Gates’ Blood off of his scales, and is now in the Guinness book of universe records for causing the most amount of pain in the least amount of time. Bill Gates is now six feet under, but before he passed away in withering agony, he gave me Anti-plothole ™ Version 3.11(®). Andrew still whines… and no-one cares. Caimen is still depressed that we wouldn’t listen to him, and is threatening to destroy area 6 in an attention-seeking act. Slippy is… Slippy. (sigh. What else can you say, really?) Bill grey managed to put the Grey-one back together after it smashed over mine and fox’s heads. ROB-64 has spent the last 8 weeks re-building the great fox, after it landed on me and Fox. Fara still thinks Pikachu is cute, and has finally calmed down at me and fox. It only took three months. Pikachu is still the bane of my life, and I have promised myself I will kill him as soon as I get out of hospital in about four months. Well that’s it for now. When I’ve made a full recovery, I will bounce back with another interview.

See ya!


Jolteonís interview with Falco lombardi & Leon Powalski


Prologue

Well, I’ve finally recovered from my last interview, and I’m ready to take the verbal, physical and mental abuse that comes from interviewing anyone from lylat. I tried the sutual approach, and, as usual, I failed miserably. This time, I’m being more direct……

Jolteon: Hay, wake up!

Falco: Just five more minuets mummy…. What the heck?

Leon: Yes! Yes! Not so cocky now are we, you miserable scum!…… What? Where am I, and why I’m I chained to a radiator with Falco?

Jolteon: Hi. I’m doing another interview. Now here’s the deal. You’re in my apparent in Pallet town…

Falco: Where?

Wolf: Pallet town, in the Pokémon part of Nintendo’s universe, It’s about 150,000,456,092,173,96.245 light years from Lylat.

Leon: How the hell did we get here?

Jolteon: Well, Starfox and starwolf were in a dogfight. I Used Teleport to get you here, Hypnosis to put you to sleep, and amnesia to erase you’re recent memories

Falco: you’re an insane fool! Our team-mates will notice we’re not here, and look for us.

Jolteon: Not so. At the time I teleported you out, I used substitute to get two dolls to mimic you.

Leon: You mean to say that we’ve been replaced by two stuffed, inanimate dolls with the flying skills of a sack of cement?

Jolteon: Yeah. No one will be able to tell the difference! Now, you will answer all of my questions.

Leon: Why should we?

Jolteon: Because if you don’t, I’ll take a picture of you in the dodgy position of being tied together to a radiator, and plaster them all over the Lylat system! And We know who will see them, don’t we Falco

Falco: Wh…what do you mean?

Jolteon: A certain, pink, fluffy, cat will know.

Falco: How did you get her address?

Jolteon: Simple, I shot Slippy down, and he gave me her address

Leon: So, THAT’S why everyone aims for slippy!

Falco: Ok, OK! I’ll talk. That’s a good enough reason for me.

Leon Well, I won’t talk.

Jolteon: I know a song that will get on you’re nerves

Get on you’re nerves

Get on you’re nerves

I know a song that will get on you’re nerves

Get get get on you’re nerves

I know a song that will get on you’re nerves

Get on you’re nerves

Get on you’re ne….

Leon: NO! Stop! I…I’ll talk. Dammit, that was tourture…

Leon’s eyes light up, and he writes a brief summery in his torture methods notebook.

you’re good at this torture lark, Mind if we swap notes?

Jolteon: Mabey later. Let’s get started. Leon, in the last interview, you tortured and killed Bill Gates. Just why do you like to torture people so much?

Leon: Well, when I was young, my mother said on her deathbed "Son, promise me you will cause great pain" Suddenly a large inter-dimensional portal opens, and a bright white light emits from it.

Voice: I said "Son, promise me you will achieve great fame" You deaf fool!

Leon: Mum?

Mrs. Powalski: Yes. You’re English teacher always said you never could listen properly, and now look what that’s caused. I now Know why you got an F!

Falco: You got an F!?!

Leon: No! It was an F-minus

Jolteon: Oh great, Now we have heaven knock-knock-knocking on our door!

Mrs. Powalski: that’s nothing to be proud of.

Leon: But..but I tried my best…

Mrs. Powalski: If you were trying you’re best you wouldn’t of spent all that time playing you’re Sega mega drive!

Falco &Jolteon: YOU HAD A SEGA?!?!

They advance menacingly on Leon

Leon: No…N-no! It’s not what you think. We were poor, and that’s all I could afford.

Falco Well….alright. We’ll let you off…….this time.

Leon: (to himself) suckers! Sonic 2 was much better then starwing!

Mrs. Powalski: Don’t mutter, It’s rude! Right. Go and stand in the corner. You’re having A time out

Leon does so, even though he is chained to a radiator. Devine intervention, I guess.

Mrs. Powalski: That’s better. Now, Don’t move for five minutes, or I’ll stick a bar of soap in the place where the sun don’t shine.

Mrs. Powalski then leaves in a heavenly light. Leon then sits back in the corner and starts rocking back and forth

Jolteon: Well… that was strange.

Leon: I’ll be good…I’ll be good. I’m a good child…. I’m a good child

Falco: Have I ever told You that you are one seriously weird guy?

Jolteon: Ooooooookay, swiftly moving on. Falco, What do you think of you’re team-mates?

Falco: They…are…all…really….nice…people….

Jolteon: Falco…you’re grinding you’re teeth, and that stress vein on the top of you’re head tells me that you are lying

Falco: No! I can no longer live this lie. Fox is an arrogant and cocky no-hoper, who is as capable of leading the team as Sega is of making a decent game! Peppy is a good pilot, dare I say it? Nearly as good as me, but he’s in his midlife crisis at the moment, which means no one can bug him. This presents us with a huge problem

Jolteon: what’s that?

Falco Slippy lives with us

Jolteon: Oh. I see.

Falco The other day, when peppy was asleep, Slippy sneaked up behind him and blew an air horn into his ears.

Jolteon: No way! I don’t believe it. Not even Slippy can be THAT stupid.

Falco: Believe it, he is that stupid.

Jolteon: What happened next?

Falco: Peppy went nuclear, and grabbed Slippy. We’re still trying to get frog’s blood out of the carpet.

Jolteon: what about Slippy?

Falco: The only reason that he is on the team is because Peppy and Fox were drunk at the time he asked to joined

Jolteon: Wow. They must have been really drunk.

Falco: Drunk, as in they had been drinking for a solid seventy-two hours.

At this point, A plot hole opens, and Fox, Wolf, Slippy (Unfortunately), Andrew, Pigma and Peppy come tumbling in.

Wolf: Alright, what have you done with Leon and Falco?

Slippy: Not that we actually care, just out of idle curiosity.

Peppy: Shut the hell up, Slip

Jolteon: What? Those dolls were perfect! How could you tell the difference?

Fox: Well, they were flying a lot better today, and they weren’t arguing

Jolteon: Dammit! So much for Anti-plothole ™ Version 3.11(®). Well as you’re here, We might as well interview you lot as well.

Just as Jolteon is about to ask his next question, the inter-dimensional portal opens again.

Voice: Don’t ever give up, my son

Fox: Farther?

James: Follow me fox!

Fox: No way! You’re dead and in heaven!

James: Oh, OK. I’ll come down then.

He does so

Peppy: It’s you, It’s really you

James: Naaaaw. It’s some other genetically identical fox that has my one-of-a-kind-sunglasses.

Peppy: James, Ever since you died, there is Something that I Never got a chance to say to you.

James: What’s that?

Peppy: You owe me 50 quid for that drinking binge! You know, The one where we got so drunk we went into a sheep coral and……..

James: Yes, yes! They don’t need the details (Gives peppy a "Shut up or I’ll kill you" look.) Dammit! I’d hoped you’d forgotten about that.

Peppy: How could I forget it, My ass is still hurting

Everyone looks at the pair, wondering just what the hell they were up to. James hands over the money. He then spots Leon, who is still rocking in the corner.

James: Hay what’s up with Leon?

Falco: He having a time out.

James: Right.

Jolteon: Now James, How do you feel about Pigma betraying you to Andross?

James: I feel like doing this!

James punches Pigma hard in the face. He staggers backwads.

Falco: James, How could you do that?

James: The bastard killed me!

Falco: No, I mean how could you knock something that big backwards? The mechanics of it are mind-bending!

James: Oh, It’s all in the punch. Let me show you.

He punches Pigma again.

Falco: What, like this?

Falco punches Pigma

Fox: Naaaw, it was more like this.

Fox punches Pigma

Wolf: Don’t do that to him! Do THIS!

wolf punches Pigma at the same time he sweeps away he’s legs. He crashes to the floor, causing my poor house to shake worryingly.

Andrew: Wolf, he’s on you’re team!

Wolf: I know.

Jolteon: Well, those were all good, but try this.

Jolteon thunderpunches Pigma. Finally, after repeated blows to he’s head, and 15,000 volts, pigma collapses in a bloody heap.

Falco: Show off!

Jolteon: Hay, Leon! You can come out of time out now.

Leon: Thanks for nothing, Falco! This was all you’re fault!

Falco: Was not!

Leon: Was too!

Falco: Was not!

Leon: Was!

Falco: not!

Leon: Was!

Falco: not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not !

Leon: Was too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too and one more too then you could ever say!

Jolteon: Well, at least it can’t get any worse.

Wolf & Fox: NOOOO! DON’T SAY THAT

As soon as the words leave Jolteon’s mouth, the inter-dimensional portal opens, and a figure is outlined in it.

Voice: I’m back………

Jolteon: No! This can’t be happening!

Wolf: Oh man, I thought we got rid of him!

Slippy: Yay! My hero!

Peppy: Shut up, slip!

Bill Gates: yes! I’m back to reap my vengeance on the world by flooding it with windows Operating systems that crash at vital moments!

Jolteon: We will foil you’re evil scheme! Leon’s here, and he’ll torture you like he did last time!

Falco: Was not!

Leon: Was too!

Falco: Was not!

Leon: Was too!

Bill Gates: Ha! He’s too preoccupied with Falco to torture me!

Falco: Was not!

Leon: Was too!

Fox: Crud!

Jolteon: Don’t worry. We have a backup torture system. Slippy! Why don’t you chat to you’re "Hero"?

Slippy: But peppy said to shut up. I can’t talk

Jolteon: You can now

Slippy: Really?

Jolteon: Really.

Slippy: OK. Hi, Bill. I’ve always admired what you have done.

Bill Gates: Why, thank you.

Jolteon discretely handed everyone else in the room a pair of ear defenders. He put them on Leon and Falco, who continued their argument as if nothing was happening.

Slippy: You have single-handedly created the biggest software company in the whole entire universe. Why, I remember when it all started in 1984, with Dos version 1.0….

Bill Gates: yep. The product that started it all

Slippy: ….Then came 1.1 After that there was 1.2. I’d never of guessed that 1.3 came out next, and imagine my surprise when out popped 1.4…..

Bill Gates: Yes, I get the idea now.

Slippy: ….Then came 1.41. That was a shock. Why, I remember I cried for days over that. What was wrong with calling it DOS version 1.5? Then came 1.6, swiftly followed by 1.7. If I remember right, 1.8 was next, followed by 1.9….

Bill Gates: Yes, I know all of this. I invented them.

Slippy: …..And before I knew it, DOS 2.0 was on the shelves. Then came 2.1, 2.2, and 2.3. You know, I have all of them, and I got them in order. Oh, except 1.8…….

Bill Gates: You can stop now.

Slippy: …..And 1.9 which I got in reverse. Wasn’t that weird? 2.4 was next up, then 2.5, 2.51,2.52, and 2.53 Beta. Wow! That was hard to get a hold of. I searched for two weeks to get a copy of that…..

Bill Gates: Stop. Please.

Slippy: ….I ended up storming Microsoft HQ with my Arwing. 2.6 was followed……

Bill Gates: Shut up!

Slippy: ….By 2.7, which in turn was followed by 2.8 and 2.9. Then, to my….

Bill Gates: Please just shut up!

Slippy: ….Shock version 3 came out! And….

Bill Gates: ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! I CANNE TAKE NO MORE OF IT. LOOKIT! I’M SO DISTRESSED THE WEE BONNY FROG’S GIVEN ME A SCOTTISH ACCENT, OCH EYE!

Bill gates runs back into the portal away from "The wee bonny frog" Everyone else takes off their ear defenders.

Jolteon: Well done Slippy! You single handedly got rid of the greatest threat to the universe!

Slippy: To continue the tradition, version 3.1 came out.

Wolf: He’s gone now. You can stop, slip.

Slippy: Then the triple volley of 3.2,3.3 and 3.4. This was……

Peppy: Slippy, stop.

Slippy: ….Complimented by 3.5 and 3.6. then 3.7….

Fox: SHUT UP SLIPPY!

Slippy: ….3.8 and to cap it off….

All through this, Leon and Falco had been valiantly trying their best to ignore Slippy and keep their argument going. However, the two now cracked.

Falco: I’ve wanted to do this for a long time….

He punches Slippy

Leon: For, pete’s sake man, shut the hell up!

He knocks Slippy unconscious.

Everyone: Hooray!

Jolteon: Oh, man. Can anything else can go wrong?

Unfortunately, it can. For at that moment the door opens, and a figure walks in.

Voice: Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I will now reap vengeance and destruction on the whole of lylat!

Andrew: Where have I heard that voice before?

Wolf: oh, it’s that little freak from area six…. What’s his name? Cartman? Canen?

Caiman: IT’S CAIMAN! CAIMAN!

Wolf: Ok, OK! Don’t get you’re cap in a twist. What’s eating you?

Caiman: For years, people have mocked me for what I am. And when I go to explain, something always interrupts!

Jolteon: No it doesn’t. I’ll listen

Caiman: Promise?

Jolteon: Promise.

Caiman: Well, you see, I’m a very rare….

Voice: Pik-a-chu!

Jolteon: What was that?

He sees Caiman getting annoyed, so ignores it.

Wolf: errrr…nothing.

It was, in fact, Pikachu coming in. However, Wolf isn’t stupid enough to tell Jolteon that.

Wolf: You keep listening, Jolteon. Everyone, can I have a word?

Everyone except Jolteon and Caiman walk over to the other side of the room.

Wolf: OK, We have a possible catastrophe on our hands

Pigma: what’s wrong?

Wolf: Jolteon hates Pikachu. There is no way he’ll ignore him if he sees or hears him. And who will tell what caiman would do if he doesn’t listen? We can’t let them see him

Pigma: Right. We’ll just sit down and hide him from view.

Pigma sits down, but disastrously, sits on Pikachu’s tail. When you have a two-tonne pig sitting on you, you try not to yell.

Caiman: Well, I’m a rare….

Pikachu: PIKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAA!!!! Pikachu says as he thundershocks Pigma. A smell of bacon fills the air

Jolteon: Pikachu? I’LL KILL YOU!

Slippy: But he’s so cute

Jolteon: NO! HE IS NOT CUTE! HE IS SCUM! SCUM, YOU HEAR? YOU ARE A WEAK, PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A LIVING CREATURE! ASH SHOULD LIKE ME BEST! I’M THE BEST! I AM BETTER THEN YOU! YOU SET FARA ON ME! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ME BEING IN HOSPITAL FOR FOUR FLIPPING’ MONTHS! YOU DESERVE TO DIE! YOU HEAR ME PIKACHU? I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU DEAD!!

Caiman: I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T LISTEN!!!

He reaches into he’s pocket, and pulls out a remote control with one large red button on. He then presses it and jumps in his jet.

Caiman: So long, suckers!

With that he leaves at maximum speed

Fox: What was that about?

Slippy: I don’t have a clue

Wolf: I think I do. Guys, look out of the window.

Everyone looks out, except Pikachu, who was sensible enough to move to Saffron city.

Jolteon: What the heck is that?

Wolf: It’s a missile. A XB nuclear Planet pounder missile, to be exact. Heading directly for Pallet town.

Jolteon: What do we do?

Wolf: I don’t now what you’re doing, but I’m getting the heck out of here!

With that, Wolf jumps through the plot hole, swiftly followed by James, Andrew, Pigma, Leon, Peppy, falco and Slippy. Me and fox were about to jump it, when the portal closes.

Jolteon: Oh….

Fox: Crud…..

Epilogue

It is at this moment that the missile crashes into my front room, blasting us to Kingdom come. It’s a good job that the missile was Nuclear, because when night came, The residents found our glowing body parts scattered over a 10 mile radius. When we regained consciousness, we found ourselves surrounded by 30 surgeons, putting us back together piece by piece. We have been blamed for the destruction of Pallet, and when we get out of hospital, we have been ordered to re-build the town brick by brick, and spend three months in jail. Peppy has got a hitman to kill Slippy, as he is still prattling on about DOS. Last I herd, he was on version 2745.87 Beta. Falco and Leon are still arguing over who’s fault it was. It was such a long time ago now, they have forgotten what they are blaming each other for. Wolf is still trying to get katt to acknowledge his existence. And failing. Andross is upset he didn’t get even one line in this interview, and has gone off in a strop. Bill Gates has to go to speech theropy now to try and get rid of his Scottish accent. He gave me Anti-plothole ™ Version 4.0 (®) if I "Never let that wee frog within a 200 mile radius of him.". Andrew is still whining… and Still no-one cares. Caimen is now a deranged, insane lunatic. (No change there then!). Well that’s it for now. Ses you on visiting day (Sigh.)

See ya!

Written By Jolteon. This is my first attempt at an interview, so E-mail comments would be appreciated. Mail them to jolteon@talk21.com I tried not to nick anyone’s ideas, but if I did, drop us a line and I’ll correct it. The comments about Bill Gates are made in fun, and Are not meant to offend or be taken seriously. please do not try anything listed in this interview, and if you do, I disclaim all responsibility. Blah, blah, blah…


Jolteonís interview with Katt Monroe & Jason Wolfman

Prologue

45Ö.. 47Ö49Ö50. Ahh. Just got enough money for bail, after that little yellow rodent and thatÖ.that psychoticÖ.Ö.thing, Caiman, got me banged up, as well as making me glow in the dark. So far, Iíve been hit by a battleship the size of a small planet, been the target of a nuclear missile bigger then Falcoís ego, and generally been abused by half the population of Lylat, and yet Iím still queuing up for more. And why?Ö..

At this point, he looks behind the camera to see the director holding a large wad of cash with his name on Ö.UmmmmÖ.. Because I love my job. Oh well, thatís in the past now. Today, Iím doing a nice quite interview in the middle of viridian forest. Nice and gentle. Nothing could possibly go wrongÖ.

Jolteon: Hi. Iím just waiting in a clearing for my two guest to turn up

Falco: Hi Jolteon!

Jolteon: Falco? What the heck are you doing here?

Falco: Nothing, nothing. Iím just randomly walking and just happened to stumble on you today.

Jolteon: Riiight.

Falco: Nice weather, isnít it

Jolteon: What do ya want?

Falco: emmmÖ.errrrrÖ.Iíve come to give you your toothbrush back.

Jolteon: What! I left it in my house this Morning. After brushing my teeth.

Falco: exactly! What would you have done if I hadnít brought it to you!

Jolteon: Hang on, hang on. Let me get this straight. You were randomly walking in the same area ,of the same forest, at the same time I was there, and happened to stumble on me. Yet you broke into my house and searched through the bathroom to get my toothbrush ­ which I donít actually need until tonight when I get home - to bring to me.

Falco: yep.

Jolteon: Riiight

Falco: anyhowz, I was wondering. Iíve heard this little rumour going around that you were interviewing Katt Monroe today

Jolteon: and suddenly, it all makes sense. Wait here for a minute, sheíll turn up soon.

Just as Falco sits down to wait, the bushes next to Jolteon start to shake. Jolteon reaches into the bush, and pulls out James Mc cloud

Jolteon: Why the hell are you hiding in the bushes. Come to think of it, why the hell are you here at all. Youíre dead!

James: uhÖyeah. Iíve come to return your halo.

Jolteon: OK. Two things. First, Iím not dead. And Second, even If I was dead, Iíd be in "the other place"

Devil: Hell yeah!

Jolteon: admit it. Youíre here to see katt you dirty old man!

James: how dare you say that. Iím a cultured, sophicatedÖ.

Wolf: Pervert?

James: Ö.PervertÖÖ.HAY!

Jolteon: What the heck?

Wolf: Hay! Thatís my line! Anyway, I head this little rumourÖ.

Jolteon: hold on. First, you have to give the obligatory lame excuse.

Wolf: oh Yeah. Sorry. Iíve come to give you back yourÖ.ummmmmÖsanity

Jolteon: I lost that when I agreed to do these interviews. Fine, you can stay. Dreamt about her recently?

Wolf: : What are you talking about? I never dream about kattÖ. Sweet, sweet katt ÖÖÖ.. who is always on my mindÖÖÖ.. Whose tuff of white hair drives me wildÖÖÖ.katt who I want to be with for everÖ..

James: I think Iím gonna throw up

Falco: Hay, back off, pal! Everyone knows she likes me

Wolf: Oh, belt up bird boy! She likes you about as much as Pigma likes diets!

Falco: Why you littleÖÖIím gonna rip out your other eye!

Just then, thankfully, Pigma appears out of the bushes.

Pigma: Hi Jolteon. Iíve just heardÖ

Jolteon: All right! That does it! Anyone here to see katt, come out NOW!

Jolteon is then crushed under the pounding feet of Peppy, fox, Leon and Andross

Leon: Andross? What the heck are you doing here?

Andross: I only had one line until now. I want a bigger roll.

Jolteon: Fine, whatever. Hay Fox, are you crazy? What if Fara finds you drooling over Katt!

Fox: Donít worry. I have cunningly distracted her

Andross: Howíd you do that?

Fox: I gave her a credit card.

Falco: Clever. Very clever.

Just then Slippy appears from behind a tree

Slippy: Hi guys! I heard this rumour that Jolteon isÖÖÖ.

Jolteon: All right, all right! You can stay to see katt.

Slippy: Who cares about katt. Iím here to see J.wolfman

Everyone looks at Slippy, and increases their opinion that the frog is one Arwing short of a squadron.

Just then, a roar of a jet engine is heard. The catspaw then blasts into view, hovers for a moment, then lands in the clearing. The door opens, and the female feline herself appears at the hatch.

Jolteon: Welcome katt. Itís good to see you made it. Now if we can justÖÖ.

Wolf: Hello miss Monroe. May I say you look fantastic today

Falco: yes, you look stunning.

James: elegant

Leon: amazing.

Fox: lovely.

Andross: Like a queen.

Pigma: like a million bucks.

Peppy: more like a trillion

Slippy: Whereís wolfman?

Andrew: stupendous

Katt: Why, thank you guys.

She blows them a kiss. They stand stupefied for a moment, fighting for consciousness, pulses racing faster then Pigma for the dinner queue.

Jolteon: You guys are so shallow.

Falco: whatÖ.sayÖÖ.prettyÖÖ.ladyÖÖ..thinkÖÖÖnotÖÖ.straight

Just then the cargo ship Violet vision pops into view and nestles neatly next to the catspaw. J wolfman steps boldly out.

Jolteon: Hi Jason

Jason: Hi Jolteon, you old Pokémon

Jolteon: Now youíre here, we can start the interview.

Jason: Not yet. I need to unload a few things.

Jason presses a button on the ships hull. A hatch opens on the underbelly, and Jolteon is buried under 2 metric tons of pretzels.

Jolteon: I see you still like the old pretzels.

Jason: Sure do.

Jolteon extracts himself from the pile of delicious pastry treats

Jolteon: Right. Now weíre ready to begin.

Jason: :cough: :cough: JolteonÖÖÖ

Jolteon puts the pretzel hidden in his coat back on the pile

Jolteon: still as sharp as ever when it comes to pretzels

Jason: Iíll show you how sharp my sabre is if you ever touch my pretzels again. Now, that makes this the 1067 time youíve tried to nick my pretzels. So far, Iíve caught you 1066 times

Andross: What happened the other time?

Jolteon: I blasted him to near death with an ion cannon. Right enough fooling around, lets start the interview. Katt, being one of the few female pilots in Lylat, do you ever feel lonely?

Katt: How could I with all the guys around me? Itís strange that. They always seam to like being with me.

Jason: (Dryly) I wonder why?

Jolteon: Ok. Now Jason. You waged a one man war on venom because they nicked your ship.

Jason: The ship? I couldnít two hoots about the ship. It was the 40 tons of pretzels inside it. I got the ship back in the end, but the pretzels were gone. I wonder where they went?

Andross: ummÖ.errrrrÖ.I have no idea :burp:

Jolteon: So why do you like pretzels so much.

Jason: Well, they are just so tastyÖ..mmmmmmÖ..pretzelsÖÖ Starts drooling

Jolteon: That wolf has problems. Anyhowz, Katt. Do you have a boyfriend at the moment?

Katt: Not at the moment, but that could be fixed by the end of the dayÖ..

She blows a kiss at Fox. Fox stares at her, stupefied by what she just said.

Jolteon: Katt, please. I have enough trouble getting sense out of him already. Iíve just thought of something. We havenít had any plotholes yet. Donít tell me Anti-plothole 4.0ô actually works.

Just then, my laptop beeps.

Laptop: your 30-minute trial period has ended, to purchase this software, send a large wad of cash to Bill Gates.

Jolteon: The cheapskate! He gave me the demo version!

Fox: Who cares?

He goes up to katt, and passionately snoggs her.

Falco; Bastard!

Right on cue, the all-too-familiar whoosh is heard as a plothole opens up, and Fara Phonix jumps out

Fara: Hi guys! Iíve just been on a shopping spree. By the way fox, bank accounts down ten million andÖ.Fox?

At this point she spots fox playing tonsil tennis with katt

Fara: FOX!

Fox: oh. Hello Fara. Fancy seeing you here. Hee heeÖ.. um, you see, itís not what you think. Yeah. Um, you see, Katt was choking. Yeah choking thatís it. And I was giving her tong to tong. Errr, I mean mouth to mouth.

Fara:ÖÖÖ.

Everyone turns away from the imminent extreme violence.

Fox: honey, sweetie. Donít look at me like that. Hay whatís that? Isnít that aÖÖ.No, no! donít do itÖ.now put it down. Put it dowARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

When we turn back, fox is unconscious, dangling from a tree by his paws, and a cattle prod shoved up his nose, still sparking from recent use.

Fara: Itís a good job I was in a good mood today, fox. And as for you katt, you bitch

Katt: Bitch? NO ONE CALLS ME BITCH AND LIVES!

The two adversaries extend their claws, jump in for the attack ­ and slash each others tops to shreds. Me and Jason realise what will happen next so we turn away from the topless girls

Fara: That was my favourite top, you.ÖÖ What are you guys doing?

By now, both Katt and Fara have noticed everyone except Jolteon and Jason are ogling them, drooling slightly.

Katt: What are you looking at?

Guys:ÖÖÖÖÖ..

Fara: what are they doing?

Guys:ÖÖÖÖÖ..

Katt and Fara then realise they are topless, displaying all.

Katt and Fara: stop it!

Guys:ÖÖÖÖÖ..

Katt and Fara: stop it! We mean it!

Guys:ÖÖÖÖÖ..

Katt: You sick perverts.

Guys:ÖÖÖÖÖ..

Fara: You are so gonna get it!

"crack"

"ka-boing"

"smash"

"clunk"

When me and Jason turn back, Everyone is unconscious with more gashes, cuts and wounds then Leon inflected on Bill gates

Jolteon: wow. You donít mess around.

Fara: well, at least you two give a girl some privacy.

Jason: what about youíreÖ.ummmmm cloths problem.

Katt: I have two towels in the jet. Iíll guess theyíll have to do.

She gets the towels, and the interview continues

Jolteon: Ok. Now Katt, just why are you pink?

Jason: Itís dyed.

Katt: What!? Itís not dyed! Itís natural.

Jason: Really?

Katt: really.

Jason: Then whatís this?

He pulls out a bottle of Miss Lylatís fur dye: #104 deep pink

Katt: well, you see, umm, itís forÖ.

At this point, the guys start coming round

Slippy: Man, my headís killing meÖ.Hay! is that the dye I asked you to get? Finally, I can be the color Iíve always dreamed of!

Everyone ÖÖÖÖ

Slippy: What?

Jolteon: Okay then, Katt, if it isnít dyed, why is it like that?

Katt: My mum was a red cat, and my dad was a white cat.

Jason: Oh.

Voice: Finally, I have tracked you down, and now I will destroy you!

Fox: Now, where have I heard that voice before?

Voice: let me jog your memory. "Theyíve broken through the second line!"

Andross: Oh yeah! Whatís his nameÖ.you know, weird thing from area 6.

Peppy: Demion?

Andross: layman?

Caiman: Itís Caiman! CAIMAN! You might have escaped my missile, but this time I will destroy you!

Leon: Why does a psychopathic animal hell-bent on causing us pain appear every time we get interviewed?

Jolteon: Because itís funny. ThatÖ.. ummÖÖ.thing is insane. We need to calm him down.

Jason: And I know just how to do it.

He goes up to the girls

Jason: Sorry

He yanks the towels off of them, and Caiman gets a full frontal. The change is profound

Caiman: suddenly, I donít feel hate towards people anymore. I feel fine with myself. I feel an inner peace.

Jolteon: Good thinking, Jason

Fara: IÖ.. DonítÖ.. agree

Caiman: Goodbye, dudes and dudedets! Iím off to spread peace and love all over the universe!

Slippy: Really?

One second of Slippyís sub-sonic voice was enough to break the spell over Caiman.

Caiman: What the hell was I saying? Iím gonna blast you to kingdom come, Jolteon

With that, he pulls out a large round black bomb, places it on the ground, and runs away in a suitably cowardly fashion. Everyone stares at the bomb, their profound death thoughts running through their heads

Falco: mmmmm. Katt and Fara. Topless. Mmmmmmmm.

Ok, that was a bad idea. lets go to someone who doesnít use hormones as a brain substitute

Jolteon: well, it had to end sometime. Shame I canít take Pikachu with me. Itís funny that. The bomb looks a bit like a flyÖÖ.

Suddenly, Jolteon snaps out of it. Grabbing a piece of paper, he hurriedly tears out two crude wings, and sticks them to the bomb.

Jolteon: Hay, Slippy. Look at the size of that fly!

Anyone with two working brain cells could tell it was still a bomb, so Jolteon didnít have to worry about that.

Slippy: wow! Itís huge!

Slippy rapidly ate the bomb.

Slippy: yum, yum. That was tasty.

Jason: yeah I bet. I think I saw another one fly off into the forest. Deep into the forest.

Slippy: Yay!

Slippy chases the "fly." everyone else dives for cover.

"beep"

"click"

"KA-BOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!"

Slippyís severed head lands at Androssís feet.

Fox: I canít believe you killed Slippy!

Falco: Yeah! Weíve been trying for years!

Katt: I could kiss you for that.

Jolteon: Well donít let me stop you.

She goes to kiss Jolteon, but Wolf gets in the way and she ends up kissing him.

Wolf: I knew it! She loves meeeeee!

Katt: yes I do!

Falco: No she dosenÖ.. WHAT!?!

Katt: But I love you too, Falco!

Wolf: ÖÖÖÖ.

Falco: ÖÖÖÖ

Katt: First one here gets a kiss.

Wolf: Iím coming, cupcake!

Wolf runs for katt, but is tripped up by Falco

Falco: Take no notice of that wolf. Iím the man for you!

Wolf tackles Falco to the ground

Wolf: youíre good, but Iím best!

Falco: Yeah, right one eye!

Wolf: bird brain!

Falco: flee fur!

Wolf: dipstick!

Falco snaps, and leaps for wolf, knocking him for six. The two punch, kick, bite, and generally bitch-fight all over the clearing.

Peppy: You know, This wouldnít have happened Back in my day. We would of let the lady choose. Then we would of gone to see a black and white movie, had a Spam supper, and if we were lucky, we would of got a hug at the end of the evening.

Wolf: Shut it you old nitwit!

Peppy: OldÖ.OLD?!? YEARRRRRGGGEHHH!

Peppy leaps for wolf, but wolf ducks, and Peppy lays Leon and Falco out cold. He stands up, and walks over to Katt

Katt: wow, What a hunk of man! I want him!

Wolf: You got me!

Wolf goes to kiss Katt, but at the last minute Katt pulls away.

Katt: Ewwww. Your breath smells like a toilet!

Andross: Yes, after he crashed into Venom and caused $50,000 worth of damage, Iíve been making him clean my toilet with his tong.

Katt: donít ever come near my again!

Wolf: Itís not my fault! Andrew and Jolteon drugged me!

Andrew: uncle Andross! Wolfís being me to me

Andross: There, there, Andrew. WOLF! How dare you say that about Andrew. Iím giving you the ultimate punishment

Wolf: You canít scare me!

Andross: From now on, youíre cleaning Pigmaís toilet!

Wolf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

takes a breath OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jolteon: Well, at least it canít get any worse

Voice: If thatís what you think, wee laddie, then I think ye canine be right in your bonny head, och eye!

Jason: What the heck?

Wolf: stop nicking my line! Oh no! itísÖ..HIM!

Bill Gates: aye! That be right laddie.

Jolteon: I see you havenít got rid of the speech impediment Slippy gave you last time we met

Bill Gates: correct, yer bonny Pokémon. But Iíve ben aí going to speech therapy, aní Iím working on that wee problem.

James: youíre insane! Weíll stop you. Again.

Bill Gates: nay, nay. Iíh be thinking its thrice lucky. The wee frogs looks worse then a lump of haggis, and the lizard out colder then olí Nessie. Denny try to stop me releasing windows 64!

Jason: No! this canít be happening!

Jolteon: Donít worry guys, luckily we have a backup backup torture system!

He goes up to the girls, and rips the towels off. Everyone has learnt their lesson and looks away. Leaving Bill gates staring at the duo.

Katt: why, you sick man!

Fara: angerÖburning angerÖ.urge to killÖ..rising.

Bill Gates: Mmm. Topless

Katt &Fara: Die!

Bill Gates: Mmm., ToplessÖÖ.Hay! put me downÖ.. where are you taking meÖÖ..hayÖÖ.no! No not there! Please, anywhere but there!Ö..No have mercyÖ.MERCARRRRRRGGGHH! :gulp:

we turn round to find Bill Gates choking, an intriguing shade of orange.

Jolteon: What did you do to him

Fara: fed him poisonberries

Bill Gates staggers off into the forest

Andross: shouldnít we feel guilty?

A moments pause

Everyone: Naaaaw!

Jason: Well. Itís time for a pretzelÖÖHAY!

Jolteon: Whatís wrong, Jason

Jason: My PretzelsÖtheyíre all GONE!

Jolteon: What?

Jason: PretzelsÖgoneÖ.hyperventilatingÖÖ.brink of insanityÖÖserver anger.

James: Take cove! Mad wolf!

Everyone hides behind a large tree

Jolteon: But how? Who could in the whole of Lylat could eat two tonnes of pretzeÖ.PIGMA!

Pigma: What? I was hungry!

Jolteon: Terrific! Look what youíve done to the poor guy!

Jason is now foaming at the mouth, tearing trees out of the ground using nothing but his teeth, and mumbling about exploding hamsters

Jolteon: Oh man! Can it get any worse?

Voice: Pik-a-chu!

Leon: You just had to say it.

Jolteonís arch nemesis Pikachu walks into the clearing. Everyone takes a step away from the enraged Pokémon, as he finally cracks.

Jolteon: PIKACHU? YOU ARE SCUM! SCUM, YOU HEAR? YOU CANíT EVEN BEAT A CATAPIE! YOU ARE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A LIVING CREATURE! ASH SHOULD LIKE ME BEST! I SHOULD BE HIS FAVOURITE POKEMON! NOT YOU, ANDÖ

Jolteon stops ranting, and smile so evilly, even Wolf is scared.

Jolteon: Hang on, lads. Iíve got an idea.

Jolteon stands up and points at Pikachu

Jolteon: He took your pretzels!

Pikachu: Pika?

Jason: Pikachu? I KILL YOU! I KILL YOU DEAD!

Everyone except Jolteon turns away.

Pikachu: PikÖpika-chuÖ.PIKA!Ö..Chu, chu, CHU!Ö..kachu.ÖPi-pikaÖÖchhhhhhu!Ö..Pi,pi! PIKAAAAAAAAAA!

Jolteon: Thatís given me a lump in my throatÖ. :sniff: :sniff:

By now, Pikachu is a bloody mess around the clearing. Everyone comes out from behind the tree.

Jason: P-PretzelsÖ..ne-needÖ..p-p-pretzels.. What the? Those are the two biggest pretzels Iíve ever seen!

Jolteon: What? There are no pretzels here. Just me.. andÖÖ.foxÖÖ.. oh.

The delusional wolf advances on me and Fox, salivating.

Jason: Thatís it, come to papa, my pretzel pals.

Fox: No, no Jason! Were not pretzels! Weíre canines!

Jolteon: Come on, Jason. Iím yellow. Iím not a pretzel

Jason: Really?

Fox: Come on, guys. Do we look like pretzels?

Andross: of coarse not.

Wolf: Donít be daft!

Leon: pretzels indeed!

Andrew: Well, I donít know. You do look a little like pretzelsÖ.

Jason: PRETZELS!

He leaps at us

Fox & Jolteon: Arrrrgh!Ö

Epilogue

Well, it took six hours, three crowbars and a nova bomb, but we finally prised Jasonís mouth off of me and fox. Once again, Iím in intensive care due to 40% of my body being in wolfmanís stomach. Fox is in the bed next to me in a similar condition. As soon as he was off us, Jason was tranquillised and transported to the nearest pretzel shop. he consumed 60 tonnes of them before getting chronic indigestion, and got carted to hospital. He is in the bed next to fox. Wolf started to clean Pigmaís toilet, but heís radiation suit failed, and he now resides in the bed next to Jason with chronic crap syndrome. Peppy is restrained in the bed next to wolf, after his midlife crisis kicked in, and he started to destroy the great fox. Next to peppy is Falco, who is recovering from loosing to Wolf, which left him with a fractured ego. In the next bed along is Leon. It turns out when Peppy hit him, he punctured a cyanide capsule in his mouth. He is now incapable of speaking and has swollen up to the size of Pigma. Speaking of poisoning, Bill Gates is next to Leon. He is having his stomach pumped to get rid of the poisonberries, and is receiving speech therapy because the doctors will crack if he says "och eye" one more time. Next to Bill is Caiman. When he ran away from the bomb, he tripped on a tree route and busted his face up. underneath his full head bandage, we can hear him cursing the nurses for calling him "Goeman". Whatís left of Slippy is in the bed next to caiman, after the bomb did itís work. The doctor has put all of him back together, except his brain, which he canít find. He doesnít believe us when we tell him there was never one in the first place. Pigma is in the next two beds after Slippy, as claims he "collapsed from lack of food"( he missed a meal). Andrew is next to Pigma. He got a splinter from a tree, and being such a wuss, insisted on being brought into hospital. Next is Andross. Even though he claims he is fine, The doctors are worried about the fact he only has hands and a head. Finally, Fara is next to Andross, getting corrective surgery on her ears (Sheís fed up of the chawawa taunts.) and Katt?Ö.

Just then the door opens, and Katt comes in with a bunch of flowers

Katt: These are for you, Jolteon.

Jolteon: Thanks, Katt.

Katt: UmmÖ.Jolteon? The others are all nice, but itís you I want.

I sit, stunned

Katt: I just love your soft, yellow fur. Your furry ears. Your cute little electric sparkleÖ.

She leans forward to kiss me, and was millimetres from making me a very happy Pokémon whenÖ.

Voice: Pik-a-chu!

Katt: Ohhh, a Pikachu!

It turns out Pikachu is in the bed next to me, after being ripped apart by wolfman.

Katt: Ohh, Youíre so cute

Jolteon:ÖÖÖÖÖÖ.

Katt: Your cute little tail, those rosy red cheeks

Jolteon:ÖÖÖÖÖÖ.

Katt: Do you want to be my boyfriend?

Pikachu: Chu!

Jolteon:ÖÖÖÖÖÖ.

Katt & Pikachu: :smmmmmmmoooochhhh:

Jolteon: wellÖÖ.. thatísÖÖÖÖ.. thatÖÖÖ.maybeÖÖ.. IíllÖ.. DoÖÖÖ another

Bursts into tears

Jolteon: ÖÖÖÖÖseeÖÖÖya.

Written By Jolteon, with a bit of help from Pete. E-mail me at jolteon@talk21.com. Many thanks to J. Wolf for Letting me drag him into the sanity that is a star fox interview. (que unecessary plug) visit his fantasticially furry fan fiction site (Man, that was a mouthful ^-~) at http://members.xoom.com/j_wolfman/ Also thanks to Bill gates for letting me tirelessly abuse him (What he doesnít know, canít hurt him ^-^) E-mail him at bill.gates@Iím_a_rich_geek.com I have tried not to nick anyoneís ideas, but if I did, drop us a line and Iíll correct it. I strongly recommend not attempting to do anything in this interview, and if you do, and get hurt, Let me know at I donít care@donít sue.com